The Farmer

This land going Manatee is affectionately called the SeaCow or CHUNK. With a face for radio and a mother's dream forehead for kissing - what's not to like.

Can't ride a bike...fell off and broke his arm!

You can take the boy away from the farm, but not the farmer out of the boy.

Disowned by his blood family after they discovered he was a Manatee and after spilling blood was adopted by TKM. Puts it in the gutter into the crosswinds LIKE THE BIG TEAMS. Should put himself in a bottle and be the message. 


The Fried Chicken

The Chicken is one of the smoothest wheels to sit behind in TKM - he holds steady despite all the EPO that he takes. 

The Colonel is also the stunt double for the absent Cougar - does he ride the black bike or the red bike?  

The Spy

The Spy is the original COCO - a persona much imitated in TKM, particularly by the impressionable Farmer. 

Loves nothing more than a slow run around The Tan. Loves being drunk.  Loves girls being drunk even more. 

Spy is known for his viscious attacks through the back end of the Savannah.

The Boxer

Soft on the outside, but hard on the inside. Weapon on the bike, should have been PRO! Never quits. Looks like he's doing it easy but pushes himself HARD. Gone to Singapore!

The Sherpa

HOF #3 2014.

Arguably TKM's greatest athlete on paper, absolute weapon when he chooses to be yet has consistently amazed everyone with his inconsistency.. Although you never know weather he will bring a can of Red Bull or a can of distilled water on Tuesday & Thursday mornings he does always seem to support the same lady friend. Some say he has had 6 girlfriends, believed to all have been the same person.  

He answers to Sherpa, Sherps, Turps, The Milky Bar Kid and anything that smax’s little aluminium encased brain can think of.  

When the ride time hits 2.5 hours or the odometer reads 75km+ Sherps will be the loud talkative guy in the peloton who thinks he is hilarious.  Don’t let this period of euphoria fool you that he is doing it easily.. if the Sherpa doesn’t drink a can of coke, pull over or stop saying ‘PEARSON GILLS’ immediately he will go into full body cramp, go completely silent and get popped by everyone including but not limited to Goosey. 

In summary another lost Melbourne rider, a former rogue and a bitter talent who has found his place with a group of ungroupables.

The Goat

Lock up your daughters, wives, mothers and grandmothers.  This squddly has 8 arms and knows how to use them.  Knows how to ride a bike up hill too

The Flying Gypsy

Smokes too many Bongs and has a gigantic steel cock!  He puts teh Message in a Bottle.  Goes AWOL for months at a time.  Has a pony tail.  Can be strange at times.  But good strange as in you want to hug him and make daisy chains.  Jesus Christ though the kid can ride up a mountain.  

The Redneck Hick

The Redneck Hick (also known as WOODY) is a big booty of emotion from PERF that descends like a feather.  

Hick is undoubtedly everybody's favourite Kingsmen, but has recently abandoned his followers for the moto-infested streets of Cambodia.

Has over 400 rides to his name, during which he was the winner of 4 CUPS - loves to remind people of that fact, and uses it as an excuse for his consistently INSIPID form over the past year or so.

Runs the hugely popular Giro and Le Tour tipping comps - just needs to figure out a way to make some coin from it and he will be able to retire, like half of the other bludgers in TKM.

Resorts to yoga daily to prevent mental breakdowns.


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The Smackie

WEEEOH PENIS WHACK WHACK. PANTS!!! .... has a plate in his head that short circuits...REGULARLY!! 

SMAX has been a powehouse in TKM for a while now - races hard and well in the NRS these days.

Do YOU know that he got in the break at the Warnie??!!

Part of the ever-expanding King's Men RANGA contingent - a dangerous breed with an alarmingly disproportionate representation in the upper echelons of TKM performance standings.



The Fly


The Fly's favourite food is an air sandwich with a side of dust and some de-hydrated water.  

Fliezen hasn't yet worked out the TKM rules - probably because he is a Fly and can't read.  Still managed to win a TKM Cup and has the sprint trophy to his name also.  

Can be found buzzing around the pointy end of the Noize train, throwing in the odd attack to shake things up.

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The Greyhound

Gets married without inviting his mates.
Makes King change the XMAS party date and probably won't turn up.
Looks like a bilby.
Brings a TT bike to noize.
It took 8 guys about 3 minutes to come up with 100 reasons why he's a shit bloke.



The Llama

If we look at this differential equation, the extrapolated outcome is inverse to the standard deviation across four matrix types, based on watts kilograms per ascending gradient percent - the rest of TKM has no idea what that means or even if it means anything, but the Llama knows.

He is a weapon on a spready and knows how to cook for a legion.

The Llama is the only Kingsmen to RANK 1 on every Full Noize in a season - this fact proves that he is a better athlete than his more publically acclaimed sibling.

Has eaten a human baby whole. 


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The Dominatrix

The HEAD sponsor of TKM, Doma joined two weeks after DOMA's GUTZ.  The statues on easter island are just replicas of domas noggin. 

"ooohhhh.  I had a big weekend.  I'm such a party animal and now I feel all sensitive and it's the sprint that counts" - HTFU fat boy and have a good look in the mirror. 

Rumoured to have bought the naming rights to TKM-Slattery after identifying that it was the easiest (read:only) way to get a Slattery on the podium.


The Feral Rabbit

Attempts were made to eradicate the rabbt in the 50's (kph) but he just keeps coming back. 


Battling with myxomatosis. Emotionally VERRRYYY unstable

Insert tumbleweed. Cadence like a washing machine. Shows ultimate concerns about the emotions and feelings of other human beings particularly during times of pending personal breakdowns. 


The Model

Father to both of Kings children.  The Pipes of Elwood.  Once dominated the catwalk in the sprint to the Brown Sign.  Got sick and is left with only his good looks.  I'd rather be ugly.