Open the gates!!!
That time has again come.
As the TKM herd continues to not necessarily grow in size it must continue to grow in strength and the last of the class of 2014 are about to join us.
At yesterday’s epic Noize, one for the ages, it was only fitting that this was the ride that saw The Giant Baby successfully complete his apprenticeship and reach his 10th ride in 15, which combined with his long journey prior, finally allows him the privilege and the right to finally walk through the gates of TKM and enter into a world of cycling utopia.
The big baby has been sniffing around TKM's crutch for a number of years with the hope that his childhood dream of one day being accepted into the King's bosom would one day come true.
That day has finally arrived.
Arriving as a big pink penis-like character, The King simply thought....WTF is this! And then proceeded in his normal manner as is with all Randoms. He ignored him. Months turned to years and King's Men minions continued to whisper in the King's ear. Giant Baby won this, Penis Kelly won that, did you see DK went off the front. The King backhanded them away with the comments "I saw nothing. I heard nothing". The Giant Baby wept as his dream appeared to be evaporating before his very eyes.
Time went on and the Giant Baby continued to work hard, winning races at all levels, putting his name up in lights on all the billboards located outside of the Kingdom in the hope that the bright lights may get The King's attention. It didn't work.
Penis Kelly then worked it out. At TKM, you start from the bottom. He started to confide in some of the TKM weak links like The Smackie and The Doma Doma. He saw a glimpse of light at the end of a very long tunnel.
Giant Baby conspired with the SMX and Doma Doma and a dinner was arranged to which the King was invited. King's late arrival meant the only spare seat that was left was next to this filthy Random. Giant baby wiped the seat and polished it and invited The King to sit. The King sat. The Giant Baby wet his pants.
The King proceeded to entertain the crowd and Giant Baby laughed and laughed hard. The King accidentally heard the laughter and that was it. The Giant Baby had driven in the wedge and it had begun. The King had finally acknowledged his existence.
From that point forth, The King could help not but notice this pink bit in amongst his beloved sea of green, and often he noticed that it was up lubricating the engine room. Who was this Random that had the ability to partake in the sacred event of the Noize roll without even having been given the powers of the green jersey? It was quite extraordinary and something that is rarely seen.
In addition to his presence in the most religious of places at the front end of the TKM train, it appeared that after the Noize had settled and the banter had begun, he continued to be accepted by the broader members of The Kingdom. Giant Baby had done it. He had won over The Kingdom. He had won over The King. And so it began.
With a flick of his royal hand, The King allowed Giant Baby to commence his TKM apprenticeship. The smile on Giant Baby's face with this news was bigger than he had ever produced on any podium before. This was the pinnacle of his illustrious career.
Immediately the human penis lifted his game and he was a constant presence. His chest was sticking out 2 inches further than it ever had and he grew new muscles on top of the old ones. A gladiator was in the making.
And then yesterday it happened. He reached the most important finish line of all. Qualification. 10 in 15 rides were now complete and completed in line with the rules and regulations of the King's Men Constitution.
It leaves but one last formality.....
So here we are. At this point The King would normally summon The Lords. But in this case there is no need as The King has never before had such clarity. With the assistance of a small number yet most powerful of Lords, it was decided.
What do we call our new Knight? What do we call a rider who is enjoys ripping us all to shreds? What do we call a man that when he tears our legs off, it’s to the point that the pain is almost unbearable? What do we call a man who loves the pain but then when it is all over, loves to party? What do we call a man whose skin is so smooth that it just makes you want to sniff it, touch it and then rub it wildly?
....and it was at that point that The King's eyes rolled to the back of his head and the vision appeared. It became obvious and with complete clarity.
From this point forth, by the power vested in The King by The King, David Kelly shall no longer be known as David Kelly, nor shall he be known as Giant Baby, but rather he shall be known as The Brazilian!
..and of course in TKM tradition and in line with the intellectual abilities of most King's Men, that shall be shortened to an abridged version of no more than two syllables such as Braza, Zilli or The King's favourite Bazza. Or of course, any other relevant or irrelevant name that may be spun from the brain of Smax.
Lady and gentleman, it is time. I ask that the gates be opened and the drawbridge lowered as The King invites The Brazilian to walk on through and into the Kingdom of Cycling Greatness where he shall be greeted by all of the fruits of enjoyment that our most exclusive of communities has to offer.
Join me in welcoming our latest Knight of The King's Men. The Brazilian!!!
Now quickly. Close the fvcking gates!!! The Fat Kid is trying to sneak in and he's not quite ready yet!
Bazza, now that your life has finally been plucked from the pond of mediocrity and elevated to a level you had only ever dreamed about, what do you have to say to the Kingdom? I suggest you open with a heart-felt thanks to The King for saving you from a life of misery.
AND ONLY MINUTES LATER, THE KINGDOM's NEWEST MEMBER RESPONDED, OVERCOME WITH EMOTION, CRYING WITH A STIFFIE.......
To have finally passed the cold shoulder of rejection and fearsome blow job of PENIS comments over the dark years as a filthy RANDOM and finally break through into the bright sunshine that is the Kingdom and bath in all The Kings glory is a momentous occasion.
This has to be one of my proudest days, the honour of being able to pull on a green jersey makes all the podium finishes pale into insignificance!
It is with sincere and heartfelt thanks, that I would like to thank you King, and all the other members of the Kingdom for welcoming me into the Kingdom and allowing me snuggle up to her bosom.
YOU LITTLE BLOODY RIPPER!!!