The Fresh Prince of Club Clinger

The Ghost. Rolling in to Racer a few years ago, packin’ pot like Woody circa ’96, this heavyweight egg ‘n’ spoon participant turned a few heads, and not in the way Mods might do down Acland on a Saturday night……

Fast-forward 200 rides and Ghostie has turned into a legendary success story of the TKM school of weight loss, comedy and speed. Scratch the comedy part.

 I took some time to meet the man at the Fountain Gate Krispy Kreme and hear his story, so without further ado, I give you, THE GHOST!


Ghostie, congratulations on reaching 200 rides and being crowed as a Prince of the TKM Kingdom. How say you?

Give me a G! Hey Crackie, never thought that would be my response did ya! Anyway the cheerleading cheer is not as embarrassing as Candi’s email of “Yippee” when King said he could start qualification.

You’re not wrong – both of those are up for EEOTD (embarrassing email of the decade) – difference is, Candy let his fade in to distant memory. Suppose, you wouldn’t be the Ghostie we know and love without flogging the shit out of average jokes.

Whatever boy - Dad jokes are where it’s at in the Kingdom nowadays!

And yes that’s right the most committed rider in TKM has become a Prince. How good is that!

Rightio, calm down, I’ll call the shots here.

So, can you remember when you first heard about TKM – what did you think?How much riding were you doing at this stage and more importantly, how many KEGS?

I was working with the Llamatron back in 2009, and TKM was this green mystical symbol on his lycra. I was a weapon back then too, however not a weapon in a sporting sense (see pictures) weighting in at a metric ton or 1.2 Jesters or 27 Batters I was a big BIG unit.

I was dabbling in the Gatorade Tri series (getting on the podium for the series Clydesdale category obviously).

Ghost - Wetsuit.jpg

The great bloke Llama, said he rode Tuesday/Thursday mornings and that if I wanted some training, I should come along.  After a few months I was brave enough to come down, giving myself 30 minutes to travel the 5.5km to Racer from home. (That is why, folks, I am always the first one at Racer, as even though I’ve gotten quicker, the routine of leaving the house at 5:30 remains)

The first couple of months I was dropped at Black Road roundabout on the way down (ed: holy SHIT, that is ridiculous!). Eventually I managed to arrive at Mordi with the group. It was then, years later I got to experience what happened on the way back with the train. As for the first year or so I was dropped by the first set of lights.

Geez, it’s hard to imagine anyone being dropped on the way down. How far you have come is just unbelievable.

Talk us through the process/experience of being a random, qualifying, being named and first wearing the kit

It wasn’t till I was out riding on a weekend along Beach road, getting waves from members of the Kingdom, that I realised that it was about time that I tossed my cycling cap in the ring and knock on the kingdom door proper.

1 word with Llama, and an introduction to the King was arranged at Llamas Winter Cup celebration. Not recognising any of the Kingdom, apart from Llama, in normal clothes, I realised I wanted to be in bad – everyone in TKM is an Adonis, and I wanted my teenage body back.

Emails were written and sent and yes’s were given. Obviously not by Rabz as I wasn’t even nearly holding on to Noize NOR by Sherps as I was seen free-wheeling on the ITT.

Don’t worry, Rabbit has never liked anyone, ever.

You have travelled along a rapid improvement curve as a cyclist – how did it happen and what has it meant for you, both as a cyclist and also off the bike (more roots?!)?

The best thing that’s happened is that I did get my teenage Adonis body back and was able to borrow some of Norman’s clothes at the Christmas party for our trip out to Revolver, as my shorts and T shirt wasn’t going to cut it, plus they had mysteriously disappeared during the evening of frivolity. [I think Floz has a picture of me chasing in just my boxers waving balloons, a BMZ riding Batter round Normans lounge.]

But how did I eventually become a real weapon:

Firstly I got fit and did the 2012 Ironman = didn’t hang on to Noize

Secondly I got skinny = didn’t hang onto Noize

Thirdly I had a bet with King that I could hang onto Noize by my 40th Birthday and that tips me over the edge, Hung on the ride before my 40th = Epic

So, by the numbers:

Heaviest at Noize ~120kg Lightest at Noize ~85kg

Slowest ITT ~21:00 Fastest 17:26

From getting dropped on the way down, to doing Rolls at Noize (I managed 3 on one Noize last season)

But on the mental side the skinnier I’ve become the more un-funny I’ve become too. But then again there are plenty of unfunny members of the kingdom - hey Boxer ;)

Jenny Craig, your business model has NOTHING on The King’s Clinic.

30% weight loss! I wonder if SMAX has seen similar numbers. Another success story.

So, can you sum up TKM and Noize in a few short sentences?

Hard, painful, satisfying - a bit like anal.

Anal – the ever-present soul of TKM, it seems.

Speaking of love-making, you never mentioned whether your new-found athletic physique had resulted in any extra attention from Mrs Ghost? Careful now, the family will see this...

 I quote Mrs G: “His TKM mistress keeps him too tired for any of that kind of shenanigans; I’m back with Teh Model”

What are some of the highlights for you in your 200 rides?

 Every ride I hang on is still special, can never take it for granted.

The free Days are always a blast, one legged cycling, metro sexual = cant wait till the nude one

Got to say though, the roadchamps are truly AM A ZING! Not just cos they suit me physically (Road Champs results 2012 5th, 2013 2nd, 2014 3rd) but they allow us to spend the whole day cycling with our mates.

What’s next for the Ghost other than becoming an Arch-Duke?

Obviously the winter cup.


Ghostie, thanks for your time. On behalf of our mentor, leader and hero, The King, I would say that you are a TKM transformation of which he is extremely proud, and a ripping bloke to match. Fatties come good at TKM.