Open the gates - part three !!!
For the third time in a fortnight, The King is asking for the gates to be swung open and the drawbridge lowered. At this rate, The King is thinking about installing automatic revolving doors.
We have again seen a filthy Random complete the long voyage, and in this particular case, a voyage longer than any others. It was perhaps as long as three years ago that Random Ben approached the walls of the Kingdom, guided by the nomadic Flying Gypsy. Random Ben asked of the Bun Headed one, "How does one scale these almighty walls?" Unfortunately The Flying Gypo was too stoned and a young Random Ben did not get his answer, and hence he retreated back into the forest of Random.
A year later, Random Ben came across a huge stature of a man in the outside world known as Stuart Verrier. A cunning disguise The King uses when he occasionally sets foot outside of The Kingdom. Although Random Ben could feel the aura of this man, he was unaware of the true identity of this person who underneath was in fact the most powerful man in cycling today.
The King observed Random Ben during that week long, 1000km adventure in the aid of helpless children. During that time, he saw the potential in this Random. He was weak of mind but strong of legs. He was also a lawyer, which is the only thing in this world The King is slightly afraid of.
Time passed, the week long adventure ended and The King soon forgot about this Random as he was after all....a filthy Random.
Another year passed and Random Ben continued to roam the lonely forest of Random until one day he again found his way to the edge of the woods to see the mighty walls of the Kingdom. This time he didn't have the cone smoking, ice-cream eating, INXS singing bun head to suck him of his energies. This time Random Ben said to himself, he will stay strong, endure the pain and have a shot at the title. He rode strong and hard. At times rolling fiercely while at other times dropping huge skiddees all over the road.
Random Ben chose difficult avenues to find a crack in teh wall. He first went the impatient route by attempting to saddle straight up next to The King. The King immediately swatted him like an annoying buzzing mosquito. Next he chose the Hairy Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeagle. He may as well have chosen Ayatollah Khomeini. Like many Randoms, Random Ben continued to make bad decisions. Until one day he made a right one. He put up his hands for the TKM Road Champs. In fact, he made two good choices. He also chose to bring his hot wife and offered her services to The King. The King called a rain check which he will cash in at a later date, for the hot wife was also sporting a young baby, which The King is allergic to.
Random Ben, a capable rider in his own right, was handicapped with the King's wrath of Random, and without complaint, he received the punishment he deserved. He did so with a smile, knowing that the investment would eventually pay off. At this point, the long journey was nearly at an end, as attendance at the Road Champs is when the King is at his most sympathetic for those disease-infested Randoms. The King was convinced that after 3 years, this man was now empty. He was left with nothing but the clothes on his back, which even those he was now prepared to take of for The King.
Random Ben then commenced his apprenticeship.
And although there has been signs of that weak-mindedness with a few missed rides, those strong legs have shown their capabilities. Today's Noize was no exception, as he ranked well inside the top 10. A rarity for a rookie. With the base already in place, The King will now start to mold, rub, tug, caress and shape this man into an Adonis of cycling. The canvas is bare and waiting for yet another one of his masterpieces.
With Randomhood done, Apprenticeship complete in accordance with the TKM Constitution, it leaves only one thing. Knighthood.
So what to call this man. The King again summoned the Lords to the round table, and by this stage they were all punch drunk and more babboonian than ever before. It was like a room full of retarded hippopotamuses, led by the King of retard, and Hall of Famer, The Stealth. A waste of space in any room, let alone one as important as The Lord's Round Room. The King soon shut them down and retired into his chambers to contemplate.
The King thought......
What do we call this man, who for three years has appeared and then disappeared without a trace? What do we call this man, that although he goes largely undetected, when he presses the button, he is a force to be reckoned with? What do we call a man who is silent yet deadly? What do we call this man, that if he goes too deep, he completely implodes? What do we call this man, who with the recent birth of his child, proved that his long shaft is full of seamen? And there it was. The King's clouds of thought parted yet again and it became apparent.
No longer shall Random Ben be known as putrid Random Ben. From this point forth, and by the power vested in The King, by The King, Random Ben shall be known as The Submarine! which in TKM tradition shall immediately be shortened, to suit the IQ level of the average Kingsmen, to The Sub, Subby, Subs or Subba, or any other variant as seen fit or unfit by The Smackie.
So people of The Kingdom, The King is particularly proud of this latest piece of real estate that is now Kingdom property. He fits the bill both on and off the track, and will be someone whose name will be shouted from the bell towers on many occasions for his fine performances as we now start the process of turning him into what he is capable of.
So join me in welcoming The Subby, as The King now invites him to pass through the gates to join us here in the Kingdom of TKM to enjoy the fruits of hard labour, created over many years.
And in TKM tradition, I now call upon The Subby to step up to the email dais and craft his words of thanks and appreciation to The King and the Kingdom within which he now resides.
I give you......