Open the gates - part four !!!
For what will be the final time in a while, The King has yet again climbed the stairs to the top of the castle, to call for the order ………OPEN THE GATES!!!!
We finally had our last qualifying recruit cross the qualification line, and now earn himself a perennial position within the walls of The Kingdom.
Random Chris approached the wall, what King believed to be around 9 months ago. This Random soon provided legally binding evidence to show that the first knock on the door was in fact closer to two years ago. Just goes to show the true blindness The King has to the filthy vile scum we refer to as Randoms that pollute our peloton.
Random Chris was guided to the walls by The Wizard, who was looking for someone to take over the mantle as the ass-hair of the peloton. In a battle of wisdom, Random Chris was able to get the upper hand on The Wiz, by fooling him into believing that he would turn early and share the roll of Hare for the chasing thunder train behind.
But as soon as Random Chris felt he had a solid foothold on the walls of the Kingdom to commence his climb, he dumped The Wiz like the girlfriend of a college football captain, and started to focus on other Kingsmen to add to his base of support on his way to the feet of The King.
For month after month, this craggy old lawyer would take the heart rate to 220-age+40 and defy the laws of nature, as he continued to hang on longer and longer at Noize. Then one day it happened. The old bastard held on. What a god damn legend!
The King would be impressed and show respect for this amazing achievement, which was once nothing but the impossible dream. Random Chris rolled up to The King like a 9 year old that was just given a free footy at Aus Kick and said “King King!!! I just held onto my first Full Noize!”
King looked back at the Random and responded “Who are you dipshit?”
Random Chris’ journey of the lost soul continued.
Week in, week out, the Random would roll up, hoping that one day he would finally be noticed. On canceled raining days, he would be there at Racer, waiting. It was uncertain whether the drops rolling down his cheeks were those of the rain, or tears. Either way, The King didn’t give shit.
A few more hang ons to Noize, a few standout performances at Free Days, and time continued to march on.
This high-powered legal partner had been up against the most hardened of human beings in fights to the legal death, but never had he come across such a challenge before as was that of the scaling of the Kingdom’s walls.
Eventually after years of climbing those walls, he felt his grip slowly slipping and he was ready to fall back to earth, where he would never again have the capacity to start the seemingly impossible climb. He was done. Defeated. It was over. As he released his grip, he felt something. It felt like the hand of God had caught his fall.
Looking up through his now fogged-up glasses, there was an outline of something big, something strong, something special, something spiritual, something safe. He blinked a few times, the fog on his glasses cleared and he was able to focus. And there it was. The outstretched hand of none other than The King himself, holding The Random firmly in his grip.
The King lifted this now empty shell of a man to the top of the wall, where he allowed him to rest. The King then pointed to the other side of the wall and said “Random. This is my Kingdom. Would you like the chance to enter?” At that point Random Chris wept and collapsed into the lap of The King. The King then slowly lowered his zip…
Anyway enough of that.
So Random Chris was off to the Road Champs.
There at the Road Champs with a non-existent handicap, Random Chris pedaled his god damn ass off with renewed enthusiasm, knowing that after this weekend, he had the chance to qualify.
With trips to PNG and patches over his eyes, the Random let nothing get in his way to getting that 10 in 15, and finally, after 14 formal rides, The Random crossed the line of qualification in accordance with all of the rules and regulations of the TKM Constitution, and in doing so has earned himself a Knighthood.
So here we are . It leaves but one formality. A name for our new Knight.
The King summoned the Lords. What a fvcking farce! 423 emails later, there was nothing but ridiculous baboonic banter that clogged The King’s cyber space. The King ordered the doors shut as he retreated to the dungeon in the basement and ordered for the round table of the Lords to be torched, with them all locked inside. With 4 knighthoods in a fortnight, they simply weren’t capable.
The King spent many an hour down in that dungeon with himself and a box of tissues. Thinking. The King needs to be undisturbed and relaxed for such important decisions.
So the King began the process.
What do we call this man who has taken this long to realise what is truly important in life? What do we call someone who is able to hold on to the end of our long winding peloton, but often will crack? What do we call a man who has shown discipline above perhaps all other Randoms of recent time? What do we call a man who has wound himself into a frenzy in the attempt to scale the Kingdoms walls? What do we call a man who can protect The King against what he did to Paddy back when he was 16? What do we call a man who started from a base that we thought was never going to allow him to get there but was able to somehow get himself into Noize shape? What do we call a man who is a hardened lawyer, and like all good lawyers, enjoys a good bondage session? But most of all what do we call a man who is simply prepared to lay it all on the line and give it a solid crack?
And there it was. The King woke from his half sleep state, tissues still stuck to his cheeks, and it appeared right before his very eyes. The name. The perfect knighthood.
And as such it gives The King the greatest of pleasures to finally announce, that by the power vested in The King by The King, that from this point forward, we shall no longer refer to Random Chris as such. He shall now be known as The Whip! And in TKM tradition, it shall immediately be expanded to include Whippie, Whips or Whippa or anything else that The Smackie decides is relevant or not.
So the time has now come for The King to invite The Whip to walk through the gates of The Kingdom to now enjoy all the fruits of its labour and become one of The King’s Men. An honour bestowed only upon the greats.
A canvas has now been presented yet again and TKM shall now commence the creation of yet another masterpiece.
The King could not be happier with this latest addition to the clan as he is a man that unquestionably ticks every single one of the boxes that we seek when it comes to our members. His desire, dedication, values, spirit, speed and humbleness are as good as they come. We welcome The Whip to the bosom of our tight community.
The King now would ask that The Whip step up to the email microphone and respond with his speech of thanks to The King and The Kingdom for from this point in time changing his life forever.
I give you TKM’s latest Knight……