2015 TKM Road Championships 18.04.15

The pinnacle of the TKM cycling calendar. The Annual Road Champs.

And like all things TKM, everything is a competition. $2,500 was dropped on the Calcutta betting as to who would be the 2015 champions. Even the beds on offer at the cabin park were subjected to bidding, with the double-bed rooms fetching high prices with the 4-bunk bed room being the alternative if the wallet kept its cobwebs.

A reputation of being a brutal day in the saddle, 2015 was to be no different.
The Bendigo gold-fields was the canvas of choice and the Goose and King proceeded to paint a masterpiece.

A 3-stage race covering 180km and 2500 vertical, it included a TTT, the queen stage 2 including the climb of Mt Alexander.... Twice!!!

And that is only part of it. In true TKM tradition the day does not end there. In fact it has barely begun because when you throw 40 Kingsmen into a bar after the TKM Road Champs they will have some stories to tell and some partying to be had. Bendigo will never be the same again.

As always, the King knew what was best and was responsible for the setting of the handicaps. Controversy reigned and the sooking began but in the end The King was proven to know riders better than they knew themselves and the numbers were on the money. In the end the best man would win. Who that man was going to be was the mystery that was soon to be resolved.

With only 21 finishers from the original 38 starters it proved to be one of the toughest on record and it was a race of survival as much as it was speed.

The field included well known pro riders that have won some of the biggest races in Australia and the CV's were ones to be feared.

But when 38 Kingsmen put on their green jerseys your CV means shit.

In the end the best man will win.

As much as The King would love to tell you in his own words the tales of the battle that was the 2015 TKM Road Champs, the story is probably best told by those that rode themselves into the TKM history books…

First up, we’ll hear from the man who not only won the race, but also had the courage to buy himself in the Calcutta – one of the original members of TKM - the KID!

For me the TKMRR15 started 6 months ago. After getting injured just weeks away from attempting to run a sub 2:45 marathon, I needed another challenge and the bike was going to be the only place to do it. Initially I wanted to get better at Noize, but even when I was fit I didn’t have the power to get anywhere near the big boys. Other than a couple of weeks just after Christmas, Noize has been a struggle for me. I will never have the power of people like the King, Sherps and Boxer et al. So the road champs was my focus.

In the month leading up, training didn’t feel like it was going very well. I continued to struggle at Noize and in the hills, but I was getting the kms that I wanted most of the time (Yes, all is on Strava).  Wednesday morning rides down to Patto River or extra laps of the Boulevard on a Monday should have been making me stronger, but it didn’t feel like it. My major head fart came just over a month before the champs when I was riding up in the hills with Sherps, Turtle, fly and a couple of others.  I was horrible, no power and just killed by everyone. And with a two week holiday just around the corner I thought I was rubbish.

One more solid 200km ride just before I left and short rides and runs in Sri Lanka left me feeling fresh when I got back, even though I had been on the toilet  for a couple of days in Sri Lanka. When the course started to come out and I saw all the hills I decided to finally purchase a wahoo Kicker, which I had been putting off. I set it up and started doing more hills. In the three weeks before the RR I did nearly 5000m of climbing on the kicker alone, with some collateral damage to the lounge room carpet. Concentrating on long hard climbs which would last from 45min to 2 ½ hours. It kicked (no pun intended) my form into another level and the week before the champs I set three PB’s up hills in the Nong’s as well as taking 5 minutes off my Wall time from 4 weeks before (again, it’s all on Strava).

My confidence was now up and I thought my handicap was ok. I decided to try and get myself and others in the Calcutta, $95 was going to be my highest bet, so when I bought myself for $93 I was relieved. In the week leading up, I just kept a low profile and kept doing a few more hills on the trainer. It was a gutsy move buying myself and the digs and crap I was given before the race was warranted, I’m not in the form of the King.

Looking at the course I thought it suited me well. My plan was to limit any losses on stage one, and help the others to the finish line, without killing myself. On the second stage I hoped that we would catch the group ahead before the main hills and then I wanted to ride hard on the first assent to break up the group and then attempt to hold off the better riders chasing behind for as long as possible.

Stage 1 went to plan for me. Chicken, Farms and Doma all rode well. Chicken looked so strong, on the flats and the hill. Everyone rode up the hill well, which was harder than I thought it would be. The second half started to hurt me a little, but Doma was close to blowing a gasket. Climbing up the last hill we could see both the groups in front and weren’t caught so I thought it was a good result. Second after handicaps was perfect.

Stage 2 was where all the action was going to happen. Our group of Scooter, Ghostie, Doma and Chicken started really well. Chicken and Scooter were killing it on the front. I certainly wasn’t feeling comfortable a number of times in the first 40 kms, thanks to these guys. Ghostie, Scooter and Doma started to show signs of getting tired and were even dropped on a small hill. I thought Ghostie was foxing and discussions were had between Chicken and I that we might have to watch him. However, Chicken was my major concern. He was strong and I knew that I still had to put 4 minutes into him at some time during the next stage and a half.  Coming towards the first ascent of the hill we were starting catching the two groups in front of us, all in the space of 500m. When Chicken and Doma (who had his second wind and was riding very well) caught the two groups I was nearly dropped as the speed quickly went up to 55km/h. Things settled down quickly and no one was very keen to push the pace, there was probably 15 people in this group. By this time I started to cramp. I hardly ever cramp so just had a couple of gels in about 5 minutes and most of my water, hoping it would make me feel better.

It worked pretty quickly so I thought I better do some of the pace making as I had the lowest handicap for the whole group. Soon after hitting the front we had to make the turn onto the dirt. I couldn’t believe my luck, I felt like I was the first rider going into the Arenberg forest. I decided to ride a solid tempo to see what would happen to the guys behind. Only two others were around me, Stiggy and the Fly. I didn’t look behind until the very end of the section and then I couldn’t see anyone else even close. It was time to go. I caught back up to Stiggy on the lower hairpins and started to pull away. The climb was hard, I was nearly cramping the whole was up, but being in front kept me pushing (as much as I could). Stiggy was gone, but Fly was doing his normal buzzing around doing the climb very easy. Towards the top I couldn’t get out of the saddle without both of my calves cramping. I really slowed in the last km and the Fly caught up and passed me. Going over the top Cords and Wiz were able to give me a gel which I needed badly. I couldn’t pedal going over the top due to the cramps. I finished my water and tried to shake it out, but I thought my goose was cooked. Another climb, no food, no drink and cramps, I was stuffed. After a couple of minutes of rolling down the hill I started to feel a little better and knew I needed to start pushing down the hill. It was a good descent and I remembered that the turn was the first concrete bridge, thank god. Just 7 kms to go. The first person to come past was Stiggy at 1:30 minutes, I was looking for Chicken but didn’t see him, and my plan had worked! Now I just have to push and hold off the good guys. I pushed as hard as I could without cramping again, I certainly didn’t ride it as fast as I would have liked but I went as deep as I had in a long time. I needed food and water quick, I was really concerned about how tight my legs were, but only 28kms to go.

At the start of stage three, where I was late as I was having a nervous poo, knowing I had 7 minutes on Llama and 14 on Sherps I thought barring cramp I should be able to get the last stage done. To hold off cramping I had to maintain a high cadence and not push on the hills very much. All I was thinking about was L, R, L, R don’t fuck it up. Even with this I still thought I was going the wrong way at one time.  As a lot of the stage was downhill and I was averaging in the low 40s I thought if Llama is good enough to catch me then he deserves it. In true form Llama was the last to wish me luck and said that I can get the rest done. At 21kms I was starting to get nervous, a little rise was really hurting, but Wiz came past and said that I still had about 5 minutes, so I could relax. The last climb was just about not cramping and coming into the finish was a feeling I will not forget in a while. It’s the first bike race I have ever won, and 6 months of training paying off, with 30 odd bottles of wine and $1000 in my back pocket. Better prize money than a Northern Combine, that’s for sure.

Again, thank you to everyone involved, Goose, Candy, King, Cracky and the volunteers and anyone else that I have missed. There were so many great rides out there on Saturday. Sherps, you are just an animal. Llama you know how to get the job done and rode very well. King sorry to beat you by 4 seconds, well not really. The scratch guys were amazing and so was everyone who finished, and even competed. Goosey, I think you did an awesome job with the course, it was hard, on very light traffic roads and never boring, you should be very happy. On to TKMRR16, bigger and better than ever.


Next up – a TKM Hall of Fame member, noted as being ‘The Real Deal’ by our resident Pro, The Smackie, and an absolute beast of a rider who was the quickest around the course for the day, from the Scratch group…. The SHERRPPPPAAAAA!

Imagine you are a small pacific island nation and somehow they want you to play in the soccer world cup. You have some things going for you (Sun, Dreadlocks, chicks with tight big booties), but you spend a lot of your time smoking joints and sniffing paint. When the groups are drawn in this fictional world cup, you get lumped with Germany, Brazil, Netherlands and the UK.  You now are in what the press is calling the Group of Death and quickly you have to make a choice. Your choice is to get up before 8am and start training, or to continue putting bones through your nose with your mates.

4 weeks ago, I was this small pacific nation, I had been drawn to ride the TKM Road Champs with the most powerful group of bike riders TKM has produced. There would be four champions and me. The four champions’ list of achievements is as long as Smax’s …… arm. I knew what I had to compete with, the whole of the cycling world knew what I was up against…. consistent 25-hour training weeks, 20min power tests that could power PNG for a year, world records, Grafton to Inverell, countless victories on the 2015 summer crit circuit…. 

In my favour, I had knowledge and time. Knowledge, that I had been to 4 previous TKM Road Champs and suffered like a dog as the day went on, and the time to commit to 1 single race while the Champions were wasting their energy on the biggest races in the country. For 4 weeks I quietly trained and ate (didn’t eat) for the most special race in my cycling world.

As I prepared, the stages were created, as the stages were released the fatties complained, as the fatties complained the handicaps were extended, but when we started at 9am on the 18th of April, I was still standing on the start line with the Champs. On the start line the 5 of us were equals, and we worked as equals for over 80 kilometres. We powered through the first 2 hours of the day as one, we sat on 45km/h +, pulling 30 second turns. No one missed a beat, everyone was selfless.  I was having doubts as we powered down hills swapping off turns at 70km/h, I was ready to call a truce as we hit the sketchy dirt road, I was ready to skip a turn when I choked on a gel that I accidently breathed in…. But the pull of the scratch group was too strong.

Over the first 80k, the champions set me up for one of my greatest days on a bike. As the group of champions fractured on the large climbs, the working men of TKM got me through the next 50k. The savage slopes of Mt Alexander were broken by words of encouragement from TKM’s greatest personalities. The pain from stage 2 was soothed by the banter at Harcourt’s café. And the worst pain I have ever experienced on a bike (stage 3) was worth it for a place on the podium at the TKM road champs.



Hi boys,

Raccoon, Chicken, Smackie and I headed down on Friday night for the first race of the VRS season The Tour of East Gippsland. Being a 4hr drive it was good to have the company of the Raccoon. His choice of music is a little questionable and leaving his car at the petrol bowser for 40 minutes while we ate in the service station. A weekend that would be full of funny and not so funny stuff ups.

The smackie taught us a new word over the weekend when he said multiple times that he was "creeping". We think it meant he wasn't in great form as he hadn't recovered fully from the Herald Sun Tour but no one was quite sure.

So, off to the racing. The raccoon and I followed a specific warm up on our trainers before the ITT and allowed ourselves heaps of time to be ready. Heading off to the ITT I found myself holding my dick being 5 minutes early at the start line. I decided in my wisdom to go for another spin to only lose track of time and hurriedly make what I thought was my start time. Anyhow the ITT went well my legs felt good and I thought I put in an ok time. The results came out and I was ranked about 17/24 riders. My garmin differed from my official time quite a bit. Anyhow long story short I found out that I had missed my start time by 40 seconds. FVCK! I would have gone into the road race 7th in GC and instead was going in 17th.

So, then we had the Road race in the afternoon. A lot of race tactics were discussed between Chicken, Coon and myself with the professional advise from ProSmax. We were to drop the Coon into his sweet spot for the sprint finish. We had it all sorted. Then the race started...within the first 500 meters a guy went off the front and Chicken went with him. They were off the front for a good 15km while Coon and I sat at the back chatting saying how easy this was with a team mate up ahead and not doing a thing to lift the pace of the group. Anyhow the most combative award goes to Chicken for holding the group off for 15km before being caught. The race pace was up and down with plenty of cat and mouse tactics. In the end it finished in a group sprint with 10 of us. The Coondawg lived up to his reputation of being a quality sprinter and came from 7th wheel to just miss out on 1st, earning himself 2nd.

Teh Candyman, still not wearing a watch.

Prosmax being tired of racing with amateurs on roads that aren't closed to which he has become accustomed too decided to pack up and head home so he could get giggabooed with Brazza on the Sunday.

We headed into the Crit with 3 intermediate sprints with time bonuses of 15,10 and 5. And a time bonus of 20 seconds for the winner. The crit went well and i managed to score one of the intermediates and a 3rd in another picking up 20 seconds all together. If I hadn't had a brain fart for the ITT this would have placed me comfortably in 3rd on GC. FVCK. Anyhow the race never finished as there was a massive crash on the last intermediate sprint. I literally had to swerve around an airborne bike. Some poor bastard ended with a suspected broken collar bone and pelvis!

So, that's a wrap. I would encourage you guys to try and join me on the 21/22 March for the Tour of Mansfield. It does make it much more enjoyable when you have mates there with you.



JOEL dropped hammers and burnt matches during the 174km Cadel Classic 'along' the Great Ocean Road.

The good people from Cycling Newsalso got wood over his performance - "With 100km to race, the gap had dropped down to 3:19 minutes as back in the bunch the chase was being led by Joel Strachan of Navitas-Satalyst at the average speed of 55km/h."
A little slower than our Tuesday and Thursday rides.

Full Race Report to come.

The Sherpa - the working man's winner

Wednesday 27th, November, 2014. Hawthorn CC A-Grade Crits at the Tear-Drop

Big hitters were all around before the race, it was pretty much like a world champs. Woulter Wippet from Holland in for Drapac. AWS with the guy who got quickest time at Amy Gillet. S2retain. DK. PIMPYYYYYYY. World track champions, VIS – AIS kids. NRS  - pro conti – every bike shop in Melbourne- the dog walker – wackjobs with aero helmets and skinsuits (wtf it’s a local crit with a hill in it, nuffies)

Pimpy, batter and I were talking before saying no way a break would go with the depth in the field.

The gun went, then the hits came. PIMPY goes, then gets brought back by the Dutchman. Me 8min in, mini bang bang, off the front for a lap, big long line led by team Holland brought me back, as I get caught, B Canty (bloody impressive racer – goes deep) and AWS guy and THE BATTER hit it, I look at Team Holland and in my best flemish say ‘#tkm4supercrit & #hccteardrop &#issvennjsreallyin2blokes’ and go again, I get on as we hit the turn, I get dropped on the hill, I am in trouble, I look back, its an abortion, people all over the road., only a VIS kid on my wheel. I swing wide and he pulls me across the last 5m, now a group of 5.

2 laps later, VIS kid blows. I say to him, have fun listening to one direction in the autobus. This is for hitters.

We roll for 25 minutes, I struggle and then start to feel good, we get to three laps to go, I skip some turns, 2 laps to go… canty smacks it up the hill and I am OK to respond. 1 lap to go, I swing wide and take last wheel, on the down hill the two NRS kids look at each other, Batter looks shagged, I hit them with a good run up through the smallest gap on the inside….

SHERPA has 5, Sherpa has 10, Sherpa has 100m going into the turn, I look back, I cannot see them, I start to think, WTF, have I gone a lap late and the race is over? People at the finish line look confused, they look at me and I am confused, we are all confused because SHERPA just took out the dictionary, opened the page to L for Lesson – and showed the BIG NRS KIDS a picture of me attacking and them having a discussion about which sandy vag would chase me down.

All over, I'm getting a fking webstie and it will be called ‘Sherpatip’s – how to speak flemish’.


ver the years, TKM has a forged a rich history of taking in riders of questionable ability, particularly those who have overindulged on the cakes, and transforming them, mentally and physically, into weapons, on and off the bike.

Guys like The Smackie, The Greyhound, The Sherpa and The Pimp, to name only a few, are some of the Kingdom’s most impressive products.

Our latest intake (both within the last fortnight) are two superb additions to the engine room – The Brazilian and The Scream.

Only 1 week ago, The Scream was nothing more than a shy, overweight hubbard, not showing much promise, unless you have the blessing of a keen eye for untapped talent such as our King possesses.

Once nestled into the bosom of TKM, putty in the hands of our leader, changes instantly started to occur – on the first Day, the King gifted Screamer a win at SKCC A-Grade, just to help him realize the potential, once inside the Kingdom walls.

On the fourth day, the King had made further improvements, which resulted in Screamez driving the breakaway on several occasions, eventually sticking it, to win the HCC A-Grade at the Kew tear-drop.

Then only 4 days later and now formally inducted into TKM as “The Scream”, the King had further completed his first assignment and had prepared the young Screamer so that he was now ready to take on the rigours of the prestigious hard-man’s race, the Grafton to Inverell…..

We’ll now have a chat to the young Screamer to get his thoughts on the day.                                                                                                    

So, Scream, just to provide some context, it’s important to point out that you are yet to rank #1 at TKM Full Noize, so don’t get carried away blowing smoke up your own arse, as you’re still just a small fish in the Kingdom pond.

Can you tell us a bit about when and why you gave up the big boat of love and got on the bike?

Believe it or not, I was ridiculously skinny and pretty much not eating when I gave up lightweight rowing… my body just said no. I’m glad it did now, my life is all falling into place! Member of TKM, winning races, getting laid… Awesome!

Sounds just like The King, except for the winning races and getting laid parts.

Given your rowing background, did you find it easy to transition to the bike, from both a power perspective and preparation/recovery perspective?

I did a fair bit of cycling when I was rowing anyway, infact I did my first few Noize’s when I was still rowing and I have never been dropped by noize… guess rowing set me up pretty well!

What brought you down to TKM, and how did you find your time as a random?

I like going really fast on a bike, and my rowing coach told me there was a place I could do that without Hubbard’s, without anti-social cyclists and without dangerous riders. Perfect, I fell in love with Noize instantly. Time was tough as a random, yearning for acceptance and acknowledgement of my rolling ability. But of course I was invisible.

Too right you were. Random life is tough.

Now that you are a fully qualified knight of TKM, are you feeling the love, love that is only available to those in green?

I’m feeling so much love that I think some of the guys are going to crack onto me! It’s an awesome community and I immediately feel like a superstar.

There is a fair chance that Stealthy, King or any number of other sexual deviants in TKM will try to have their way with you at the Christmas party – they like the young ones, like Paddy.

Anyway, what about your name, The Scream? Better than Fat Kid, surely??

I actually like the name a lot, especially the bit where others “scream not only in pain but fear” from my presence on the bike… that’s the only bit I took from King’s intro.  He seems to talk a lot of shit but I guess I will start to understand and love it all the more now that I am on the inside.

Talk us through your wins at St Kilda and Hawthorn, only 4 days apart?

I only have one race strategy: Balls out. Just constantly attack until I’m the only one left, I guess I’m finally strong enough to pull it off, cause these are the only two A grade crits I’ve won! Must be the Green!

Too right it’s the green. Did that give you some good sensations heading in to Grafton?

Yeah confidence that I was healthy and strong, still had absolutely no idea I had a chance to win until I was in the last 500m with no one else in sight! Again being a King’s man must have magical powers.  Circumstance may have prevented me wearing the green kit on this occasion but it was green blood that was pumping through my veins as I crossed that line.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t look like a sprinter, so getting in the break is top priority?

Yeah, I don’t have a great kick but I have a good whack whack in me to get away… plus I’m way too impatient to sit in and wait.

Seems like this tactic has paid off for you on more than one occasion, taking matters into your own hands?

Yeah, Balls out. It’s the only way.

You’re talking TKM talk already.  How did the race play out – talk us through it.

I was in every move right from the gun, including the one that actually got away, then we got out to 17 minutes gap as we rode up the hill. Thus I was in the break from 30km to 230km, big day!

The group was originally 9 but was whittled to 5 when me and Neil Van der Ploeg decided to work together and drop the guys sitting on and not rolling, this left us with an efficient group with everyone rolling.

I went through a big phase of feeling ordinary and hanging on for the entire middle of the race, until the last 20km when I started feeling good again. That’s until I started cramping massively with 5 ks to go!

I was riding with my hammies permanently in cramp and just ignored it (thus I could hardly walk come Monday!), so I put that behind me and put in a trio of attacks (still cramping) until they didn’t close the gap on me fully and I put in a second acceleration, they looked at each other, no one wanted to chase and I was free on the downhill run in to town (my favorite type of hill). Didn’t believe it right until the end. What a ridiculous Win!

That’s the way! Good on you guys for smoking the dirty snivellers. Good night nurse.

Given you are new to cycling and particularly, the NRS, were the more seasoned riders looking at you like some donkey who they could use and abuse, then pump out the arse when they felt like it?

Pretty much, apparently I’m referred to as the fat kid riding for AWS in the peloton. So now everyone got beat by the fat kid… BOOM!

They must have been thinking ‘WTF?!!’ when you dropped the hammer in the last 2kms and bid them goodbye?

Yeah, even I was thinking WTF!

How were the celebrations? Did you embrace the TKM culture and get nude?

Had a couple of beers at the local inverell pub. Didn’t get nude. Learnt a bit from Pearso, he was loose as.

Pearso, being an associate of TKM’s Rang Faction, knows how to party – as evidenced at last year’s TKM Christmas shindig. A solid mentor and has now agreed to pay TKM $150k for loaning you to the AWS team.

I can only assume the big teams have been in your ear? Did you tell them to get fvcked, as you are in TKM, and Full Noize is your number #1 priority?

Yeah, Orica Greenedge sent me an offer and I told them to get stuffed. Means I’d have to go to Europe and wouldn’t be able to do Noize.

Good to hear.  That a boy. 

GORC 2014 SUN, WAVES & A SANDY VAG 18.10.2014

With the Sun rising over the pristine beaches of Lorne, the stage was set for a hot day of riding. The weather forecast from Laverton certainly suggested temperatures over 30C. This year’s GORC saw TKM enter 4 teams of 6 riders, all were toey as nuns at a women’s field hockey tournament. The 121km undulating course is a far cry from the flat weekly TKM rides of 22km from Mordialloc to St Kilda.

So how would they fair?
Who would blow like a hooker at Vegas?

The four teams comprised of;

Teh Engine Room : Teh Eagle, Teh Dozer, Teh Boxer, Teh Turtle, Teh Batter, Teh Fly.

Teh Vengabus : Teh Woodchopper, Teh Crack, Teh Rabbit, Teh Gypsy, Teh Doma, Teh Sub.

Teh Autobus : Teh King, Teh Farmer, Teh Goat, Teh Kid, Teh Skunk, Teh Biggle.

Teh Broomwagon : Teh Sherpa, Teh Brix, Teh Postie, Teh Ghost, Teh Rooboy, Teh Clinger.

Red hot favourites were the Engine Room, everyone at the GORC had resided themselves to race for 2nd, while others pulled out after learning of TKM’s all-star team. Think Harlam Globetrotters on bikes – if we can’t do it on a bike, it’s not worth doing.

With the Broomwagon hosting a flu-laden Sherpa, an ex-fatty, a recovering part-machine rider and even a rider who never rode over 100km!! The real battle and story of the day, no wait, of the weekend – no no – the MONTH, was the battle between the Vengabus and Autobus. Best of friends off the bikes, bitter rivals on. Email servers went into MELTDOWN as the trash talking began in earnest. 

The first team to go was the BROOMWAGON, the only TKM team travelling in the Clockwise direction. 

The next team up for launch was the much coveted  AUTOBUS, but did they have enough power to ascend the hills, they could certainly DESCEND.

Which links seamlessly with the VENGASBUS – on paper these guys were all perfect engines in TKM Noize train, but these were guys riding the EBB and FLOW wave like a rollercoaster stuck on loop. What would set them off? White not Raw sugar at the café? OR Someone wearing last season’s TKM socks?  Perhaps something innocuous, like a HILL TO DESCEND, would lose them the battle with Teh AUTOBUS?!!

The last team to leave was the red hot, dog’s rocket dick  TEH ENGINEROOM. All 6 riders choosing to ride traditional road bikes, so high was their confidence.

Out on the course, the hot weather never eventuated with mild to cool conditions and a few spots of spit. The AUTOBUS crossed the line 3rd on handicap with a scintillating time of 3hr 38mins. It felt fast, but more importantly looked sexy, the AUTOBUS rolled turns like a gangbang on Grandfinal night. Each person coming to the front and pounding the pedals for more. Everyone dug deep, poking and stroking their machine's into a heinous head/cross wind, for what would be a climacticle race along the Great Ocean Road to Lorne, 

A patient wait at the finish line by the AUTOBUS was rewarded when the time of the VENGABUS was issued at 3:40. The win by the AUTOBUS will go down as the great riding battle of TKM History, Grandparents will be telling the story for generations.

A few more minutes and the BROOMWAGON followed – then the ENGINEROOM. Their time of 3hrs 20mins was a new course record and good enough for 1st place, made all the more remarkable that it was done on road bikes.

So what happened to the VENGABUS – how could they’ve let themselves been beaten by the AUTOBUS. What happened? Who was the weakest link? Where did it happen…..  GET ME WOODROW.

Photos by Richard McDonnell



Today's clanger was brought to you by the little moses...

POSTIE revved the engine with a stirring speech that brought the sandy vag's scuttling from club clinger. 

Earlier with the threat of noize being canceled by the king being questioned by his minions.. The royal carrot passed the reigns of the kingdom to the 3 wise men. This infact ensured that FN would proceed without issue.

A 50k southerly meant we hit the runway at full speed and its fair to say that only a 5 was seen on the dial today. There was a little bit of argy bargy in the foothills of Mt Mentone with some random touching wheels at 50k+ (something we will have to address on THursday). But the big dogs got down to chewing the bone around there. DOGLET and BOXA where outstanding today and so was CANDY but in cruel twist of fate the tied first position pushed Candy down to 3rd.  

In 4th we saw  another tie in TURTLE and EAGLE (booooooooooooooo) eagle definately benefiting from some hidden code in the spreadsheet...but still the GROAT smashed it where it counted and deserves the accolades. Turts however rocketed up on the GC in teh Spready from 11th to 5th!!! More hidden code???

SUBBY surfaced in 6th and CRACK and STEALTH were to busy chatting about the state of woody's hair and waffles to rank in the engine room. The KID was snooping around the train too. But with the amount of alimony this guy pays he wasnt interested in getting close and personal.

As the train whistled through the Black Alps who should bob up but the GOAT!!!! awesome work with the boy starting to find some form of old. Bright 2006 here we come! Goat however checked out at the gruff.

Couple more checked out in the ROOBOY and the WHIP both devastated they were POTA because these boys know they can hang on..

But the man that is above it all. The man that inspired us today. The man that always looks a million bucks. The man whom the king most wants to hold but didnt was the POSTIE. It didnt matter though the man smilling at coffee today clearly operating on a higher plain...

Oh almost forgot JESTER was out there too pulling the advertising trailer...

See you Thursday if I dont get Doma disease How good is noise!???



Heading towards the pointy end of the season and its “Daylight come and we wanna go home…”

It looks like barring the puncture gods THE ICEBERG has peeled the banana and shoved it down everyone’s throat. A sterling performance from the overgrown oompa loompa stamping his name all over Tuesdays FULL NOIZE.

The DOGGY got jiggy and showed us his stuff not bad for a mutt of 294 years. It was pretty close. But I guess berger is just more popular. Speaking of popular the LLAMA was slipping on the banana peels back in 3rd and it was in some way sad for the man who can just TURN IT ON not bag a 1 to BRING IT BACK!

Anyway never say never and mathematically it is still within reach. The cup is alive…watch it all unfold again tomorrow for “Another Edition of Noize”.

Alles Klar?

Where did you come?

I want Candy

For the 671st time THE KINGSMEN slapped each other on the arse, laughed at Eagle’s hairy legs and  rolled out from Racer to head down to the club of the guy formally known as ‘Clinger’.  The pace was birdlike as we flew down at 57kph courtesy of a strong northerly.

It gave us all the opportunity to pay respect to the POWER house at TKM -  The Wahoo Smakatron – well done smax 2nd in the Hamilton classic. Winners pull the chicks and BG was stuck by his side for an early turn before things started heating up in the kitchen…

With the king going soft on rule 55 it was left to some other retard to step to the plate and put mustard on the troops. A poultry theme was endorsed and The Stealth squawked around like a headless chook trying to open the coup to let the chickens out.

Woody made an owl like speed call and we were off into the head wind to fire up the oven.  The roasting took a while with the roll thick with seasoned riders. It was exceptional with plenty of contributors continuing well in to the eagles nest. But from here it was obvious that in amongst all the chickens were a few roosters!

The LLAMA relishing in the conditions pulled off a 3rd. The BERGER cooked his fillet in the tanning salon for 2nd.  And for a first in the world of comer the CANDY leaped from the deep fry vat to strangle the top spot. Well done candy!  You certainly busted your way back into the kingdom.

See ya all at the drive through tomorrow – if its not too wet!



Last Sunday (May 4th)- shit weather. Perfect for sleeping in, watching Days of Our Lives in your jocks with the heater on 29 degrees, putting away several bottles of Red and reminiscing about the time you went off the front of Noize. THAT is if you are in the large majority of the population, or more specifically, if you are The King!

However, if you are born with nuts the size of watermelons and love nothing more than putting yourself, and others, in the locker, then The Mt Donna Buang ITT and Warburton Road race are just the medicine.

The Pimp, The Sherpa, The Beaver and The Candyman slid on the Green & Black and represented TKM up in the hills, where it was reported to be -2 at the top of Donna and just shitful all day.

Pimp and Sherpa raced the ITT in B-Grade and did TKM extremely proud in their skinsuits - 2nd and 3rd respectively, with times that would have pipped a couple in A grade. 

A goldfish could remember back to when Pimp was putting away beers and burgers at a rate far in excess of that displayed on his Garmin as 'calories burned'. He has since lost 16 kegs, won a cup and still puts out the sort of watts that makes SMAX say "HOLY HENDO, I'VE GOT A STIFFY!!" 

Sherpa is the greatest athlete TKM has ever seen. A natural machine that has no limits, except those imposed by the doona and the bottle. After spending the past 6 weeks at home on 'YouTube' (err....), he has popped out and smoked the ITT.

Well done to the guys on what was just a feral day, by all accounts. Everyone who raced up there is a bloody legend (and a bloody lunatic). Chapeau.

Then came the road race - Beaver and Pimp in B-Grade and Candyman in Masters C.....

After his success at Glenvale the week before, a MASSIVE STINKER at noize on Tuesday and an emotional 'EBB' for the next 3 days, Beaver was back and ready, in his favourite conditions (shithouse).

Beaver got himself in the break with one other fellow, they rolled turns without hesitiation all the way to the end - Beaver pulling up the hills and the other bloke drilling it on the flats and descents. A perfect duo that had beavez crying with a stiffy. It came down to a 2-man sprint and in a photo finish, Beaver was pipped on the line. A ripper performance by both of the guys in the break and helped by BIG PIMP in the bunch, keeping an eye on everyone and keeping them occupied as they watched his every move.

Looks like he got it to me!

In Masters, Candyman was representing and REPRESENT he did......let's hear from the man himself......

We hit the first climb. I found the pace pretty steady and felt comfortable the whole time. The guys who won Buller and Baw Baw were driving it hard at the front. We had roughly 30/40 in our group and by the top of the climb it was down to 7 of us. We did rolling turns until we hit the steeper but shorter climb. The guy who won Baw Baw hit the front and set a good tempo, I jumped on his wheel and felt comfortable again, legs felt good and HR was manageable. At the top of the climb we were down to 4 of us. We got organised and did rolling turns.

I realised the guys around me where whippets and didn't do noize! My legs felt good, my HR was tempo so each time i did a turn I pushed the pace up with the hope they would tire more than me. We had put a big gap into the group behind and it was going to come down to the four of us. I saw the 10km to go sign and pushed it even hard, instructing the guys to keep working together. We hit the 1km to go mark but found myself on the front...,shit...but then someone rolled over me...you bewdy. I sat second wheel and then when we hit the 100 m sign I launched the biggest of Kings and Eagles sprints and put a few bike lengths into them in the end.

It was awesome. Big stiffy. All because of TKM. Thank you all!

The EBB and FLOW of cycling, and life.

This morning, CHUNK, or The Farmer, as he is formally known, was seeking some motivation and perspective on cycling, and life in general. He knew exactly where to find it. 

Enter The Redneck Hick (Woody) - the spiritual centre of TKM, a man who has seen it all and understands the flow of cycling, and life, better than most. This man is an emotional roller-coaster, but he is OK with that. 

Can you relate to the EBB or the FLOW? 

Here is Woody's advice for Chunky - something that all cyclists should read:


CHUNK - when you run the internet, sell phone cards and are working your way up to running Dodo, you can lose track of the ebb and flow of life. When you are down in ebb, down in the valley, the sun sets earlier, the air is colder and it bites, and your view is shorter. You look at all the blokes on the flow side of life, on the high side, like Fatty riding 1000km a week and the PERNRTRATR riding like a man possessed, and it’s like a million miles away. The view is too long. The view to that Polly Waffle packet or 2L ice-cream tub is shorter. You take the short view on the long perspective, because the long view just looks too much. It feels like you are always in the CROSS WINDS. In the GUTTER. 

 This is the time when you need to fvck off the training programs, the races in the future, all that shit that you think is going to kick-start your motivation. Also, stop hanging around irritating people on the high ebb - i.e. stop taking calls from your brother. I heard him and Fatty are motor-pacing at midday tomorrow. Seriously. That’s the type of shit that does nothing for the head. You need to avoid those people. 

 It’s time to get out and just ride and talk shit. You are an expert at this, so it won't take much motivation. Get out and ride for a bit of a laugh. Maybe 6 hours down to Portsea listening to Smax alternate between talking about BIG TEAMS, Brown Sugar, Tinder, Hendo and power meters. Maybe it’s riding to Kinglake and just thinking of the muffin you will smash at the Smiths Gully General Store. Maybe it’s getting out with some old blokes of the MRR ride and smashing them up to feel good about yourself. And really, who the fvck wants to be training hard this time of year?? For what??

 Slowly you will pop your head up and start riding for you. You will know that it doesn't matter if you get pumped out the arse of Noize for the 5th time in a row, ala WOODY, if you are still having fun. Then a fvcking funny thing will happen - when you are having fun, you will be heading back up that hill again because you aren't looking at it, you are just doing what you want to do when you want to. 

 Then the CHUNK will reappear. QUADZILLA will rise again. You will be splitting pants every which way, with your legs, rather than your ample arse. COCO will be DESSICATING the peloton.

 That said, stop fvcking eating. Candy said you had 3 pieces of his birthday cake on Sunday. 


written by Teh Brix

Post-ITT briefing where there was a significant media presence to witness the race for the rainbow

TKMRR2014 was set to be an absolute cracker and (well, from my point of view) it did not disappoint. The Eagle had dutifully undertaken several reconnaissance missions of the hinterlands behind Inverloch and designed a 3 stage course that had a bit of everything in it. The master stroke in the handicapping by the King meant the rider who crossed the line first after stage 3 was going to be crowned the 2014 champ....setting the stage for a dramatic finish. 

My main concern coming into the race was my lack of training. 8 weeks earlier I was on the surgeons table having my clavicle hook plate removed, and, under doctors orders did not ride on the road for 6 weeks after the surgery, leaving me effectively 2 weeks of real training. My first ride back was the autumn season opening crit, where due to my lack of fitness I was dropped by every single rider! Would not have been able to tear the skin off a latte. Anyhoo, I digress.... 

Stage 1 was an undulating ITT with coastal views and enough lumpy bits to get the heart, lungs and legs screaming. My tactic in stage 1 was to ride solidly to establish some time into those starting off a similar handicap in stage 2, but not hard enough to feel the effects later in the day. I rode the 24.4km solidly in low 39mins, and averaged a respectable 277w according to the power meter. This put me a couple of minutes ahead of each of my group for stage 2, and meant that in order to begin the final stage high in the order, I had to simply finish with the front bunch on stage 2. 

The King thinking to himself "shit, should have trained more than 42km per week"

Stage 2 - inverloch to loch was my favorite stage of the day...with long flat straights, some longer climbs to test the climbing fitness, narrow roads through small towns, single lane bridge crossings, forest and an uphill sprint finish. I began this stage with the limit group, and again metered my effort so that when the chasing groups made the catch I was able to make the jump. For the first 10km Postie, goose, big dog, random Chris, baker and I rolled turns at tempo. Hill 1 approached (2.5km, 5%) and I began climbing with trepidation.... Would I be spat or able to hold my own.? Being a numbers man I again looked to my power output and tapped away at ~350w for the first ascent, and found that to be more than enough to hold my own. After hill 1 there were some casualties but had taken goose and Postie with me so onward we pushed rolling turns to the next climb. Climb 2 approached and Paddy from the support vehicle announced group 4 were close,so I kept a lid on the effort and waited for the catch, so I had enough matches to burn if a big effort was required. The Hick and Ghostie came storming up behind me dragging their group, and as they passed I was able to maintain contact. From there it was a case of conserving energy ( well sort of) and keeping other contenders for the race in check. Soon after group 4 made the catch, group 3 came storming through with big chances of the win such as Doma, and ex rainbow jersey champ Stealthy. From there the finish to stage 2 was amazing. 20  blokes riding hard and fast through the hinterlands, and a dramatic sprint finish - won by the raccoon. - putting most of TKM in the hurt locker. 

HMAS Woody driving the bus on Stage 2 from Inverloch to Loch


The Pimp, solo on Stage 2 after riding off the front of the scratch group. Yet another ridiculous performance from the rider known in Mansfield as 'Black Caviar'


After stage 2 TKM had a lunch break where we were all able to take stock of the morning, get in some much needed recovery fuel, and contemplate tactics for stage 3 - loch to kongwak 48km. 

The final stage was perhaps the most demanding of them all- beginning with 5km climb at 5% from the very beginning, some technical winding descents, single lane roads with sections that had slipped away in heavy rains, windy ridges and dead roads.

The llamatron 3000 had calculated the final stage handicaps, putting me off first with a 4min17sec lead to TKMs favorite Son, the Redneck Hick (aka Woody). Woody is a big powerful man full of emotion and has an engine room like pharlap. The thought of having Woody stalk me through the hills like John Jarrett in wolf creek terrified me, as did my lack of preparation going into this final stage. 

The logical part of me said "roll easy until Woody catches you" but the little man in my head said "glory or death". Anyhow I started the final stage with a 4.17 lead and kept it steady up the first hill at 300w just so would not blow up. I crested the first hill and felt good so thought to myself. "If you guys want the win, come get it" I made it my mission to pedal hard for the remainder of the day, meaning that whoever crossed the line first was going to have to work for it.


The Garbo taking out the trash on Stage 2 into Loch
The Dish-licker flexing his muscles ahead of Stage 3.

I expected to be caught on the second hill, but crested that and looked back and could not see anyone. At this point I had 20km to go and started to believe I could hold off the chasers. I hammered the pedals across the windy ridge and made a left hand turn into a long 8km straight an got to within 10km to go. Paddy drove up to me in the support vehicle and told me Woody was getting close. At this point I had 4km to go and could taste victory, but not without having to work for it. The final hill was an absolute heartbreaker, but after rolling over the other side of it, and turning right at huge roundabout Into kongwak, I then knew I was not going to be caught.

I gave a few fist pumps and shouted out in joy and was absolutely thrilled to take the win. It was a great way to put a tough 2013 filled with injuries behind me.

A big thanks to Eagle for huge awesome course, Snowy for organizing accommodation, Paddy and Floz for race support, all the other boys for making it such a great weekend, and King for the format, handicapping and the RRCHAMPS in general.

Although not an "official" race and despite podium places I've achieved in egg n spoon races (TKMs terminology for triathlon) this is the most rewarding event I've ever competed in. Nothing better than riding with your mates. 

The whole Kingdom absolutely cooked after being punished by Eagle's magnificent course

The Beaver goes large at the Thunderdome

It took only 100-odd rides for The Beaver to win the coveted TKM Cup, in the harsh elements of the Winter season, no less. So, what do you do after such an achievement? You go back to racing with the peasants of the general population, for a laugh.

As a regular CCCC racer, Beavz has been honing his sprint skills for some time down at Glenvale, trying to snag a win and finally, on the last crit of the season, it happened. What a legend... here is the report, from the man himself......

One last crack at Glenvale for the season - haven't done much good over the crit season so wasn't feeling to optimistic. However, I thought this could be my day when ominously I was handed my number and it was my old b'ball jersey number that I dominated in.

To the race.. 3 riders got away early but the bunch wasn't letting any more get up the road. I was nestled nicely on big Tommy Leapers weeoh - this bloke surely is a good weoh to follow (editors note: he was marshalling). After 30 mins and with another move shut down, I snuck off the front with Stroidy Jnr (this kid is going to be a weapon). For 15 mins went balls deep to establish the break with 3 others before another 3 bridged across.

Break now has a 30sec gap and 10mins +3 remaining - it was time to start thinking recovery and how not to fvck this up. What would DS Woodrow do? When would Prosmx go whack? When would The King pull the trigger? Unlike races gone by, I held onto my weapon and decided I'd wait for the sprint. I'd had a gel, sipped some water and dialed down the turns. I was cooked though. I needed something more. I searched within for the inspiration and finally it dawned upon me and i found it, it was the sniveller. With 2 laps to go I had found my way into the perfect position 3 weeohs back in a break where surely noone could sprint that well. Bell lap and still 3rd weeoh. Attacks flying but a sniveller doesnt respond, someone else must respond and they did. Round the last corner for the sprint and this Beaver is licking his lips. The perfect spot, the perfect leadout. Absolutley flying down the straight and I unleashed a kick for the ages that even the taloned one would have been happy with. Crossed the line at what was surely 75km/h 1/4 of a weoh ahead of 2nd. 

I'm going to need a media manager this week.


Random stuff......

In recent weeks, 4 Randoms have been invited to commence qualification for the right to walk the drawbridge in to the Kingdom.

After months (and even years) in the cold, dark, world of the random, they have commenced their '10 in 15' rides.

As we have seen from the likes of The Smackie and The Ghost, among others, TKM has the ability to transform. These 4 are already good blokes and solid riders, but their potential is limitless when harnessed by the man who knows best, THE KING!

So, ahead of their potential qualification, here is a brief introduction.....

(note - their traditional names will be permanently deleted from life upon qualification)


Cooking up a storm at the Jack McDonough Memorial Road Race

On the weekend, TKM’s own The Chef competed in the A-grade Northern Combine Jack McDonough Memorial Road Race in Kyneton against a quality field.

The Chef, or The Enigma as he is also affectionately known, has form like a rollercoaster.  This bloke rode off the front of the SKCC A-grade Road Champs when he was about 10 years old to take a solo victory about 20 minutes ahead of the peloton.  This same bloke has been dropped up the 1 in 20 by a bunch of C-grade hacks on a weekend ride.  But looking at him, one suspects it is more in the head than in the legs as he’s more physically blessed than Ivan Drago.  He’s been absent from the racing circuit for a while, but is always out on his bike pumping out long solo miles, so the result is hardly surprising.  In his words, this is what happened:

  • Attacked 200m into the 85km race
  • Did 53-63kph for first kilometre with massive tailwind
  • Turned around and two guys were left, with a third guy in no-mans land
  • Three of us got out to 90sec at 50km in
  • Hit some decent hills, then with 20km left the bunch was right behind us, 30sec back
  • One of the other two guys thought it was all over, and it looked that way, and he headed back to the bunch halfway up a climb.
  • The second guy and I got to the top and nailed the descent, then the next climb, and got 20sec back on the field who thought they had us and eased up at the top.
  • 15km to go I sensed the other guy struggling, so hit him up a short rise and got away
  • Rounded the next corner into massive winds, and wished I'd kept him with me!
  • Kept going, pacing, pacing
  • Couldn't see the bunch back through the corners
  • Got to 4km to go and saw two guys coming, only 100m off now, the one on the front in Drapac kit, I sat up at the top of a rise and waited
  • Jumped on the back, then we rolled a few turns each, then with 3.5km left Lapthorne hit us and went up the road
  • I sat on the other guy until Darren had a decent gap, then hit the other guy and bridged to Darren
  • Rolled turns to the finish to take 2nd

The Chef.  No snivelling.  Just big balls, an engine the size of Godzilla, and the big ability to go deep.  What a weapon!


Our Sherpa got off the turps, just long enough to get fit and go up some hills. Here is what he had to say about it, among other things....

What does it mean to be a King's Man?… It's not about racing bikes… It's not about winning tours… It's about riding your guts out and not being a wanker after it.. So I went and won the ToBright last weekend… Below is a run down of how I tried to complete the tour and not turn into a ‘Decked out Wanker’…

Last weekend I traveled to Bright - Bright was formally known as Victoria’s secret green oasis. Now it is very very very well known, and home to the annual event for middle aged males who look like they have aids… .

As I arrived on Thursday afternoon I thought to myself, what do the local Ovens region residents think of these sick looking people coming into their hood? The 17 year old mothers at Wangaratta Coles probably think there is a Christian ‘The Machinist’ Bale look-a-like competition on, they probably also hate it that these bony freaks are clearing out there supermarket of diet pills, soda water and 99% calorie free pasta. Woodie's ex-flings are probably waiting at the 'Welcome to Bright' sign with their Zimmer-frames, getting ready for a night of hip cracking passion. And, the middle aged males with aids are dreaming of the end to #nofoodnovember .

As you probably becoming aware, large groups of cyclists who take themselves too seriously, buy too many gadgets and have little talent, all in the one place, is not really my favorite way of spending a weekend and burning my annual leave. But whilst having a brain fart approx. 10 weeks ago, I put my name in the ballot for an entry…. Unfortunately the brain fart had ceased 9 weeks out from the tour and I was presented with a list of B-grade participants and my name was on the list. I was livid, as I knew the hardest part of Bright wouldn't be the race itself but leaving the people around me with a self absorbed amateur who is taking a BIKE RACE way too seriously. So I made three decisions to make this easiest for everyone:

Decision 1 – write a training program that only included 1 long ride a weekend and the majority of my training completed before work during the week.

Decision 2 – don’t turn into a wannker and buy any new equipment, especially new TT equipment that I will never use again.

Decision 3 – weigh myself everyday.

So with these three key things to complete, I got going with my training. 

3 weeks in I was starting to get fit, get injured and hate the bike. So I went on a holiday to Port Douglas for a week, refreshed, and came back motivated for the next 4 weeks. Over the last 4 weeks before the race I didn’t miss a ride, even a 5 hour ride in then Nongs where I didn’t take my rain cape off at all. I was getting up before my 5am alarm raring to go and the body was starting to morph into something it hadn’t been for a long time.  I was feeling good but held myself back and stuck to the training program, no extra races, no extra efforts, no extra km’s. Every session I was feeling fresh and every session I completed the required work at the required effort.  

I knew ToBright prep was going well when two weeks before, I rode up THE WALL quicker than expected, and then a week before the race, I mixed it up with the big kids at Mt Gambier 100mile (distance not my forte) and got third. But the inevitable self doubt and nerves got me the days before the race - not once in the prep had I planned for a result, just an honest race, but the mind started to wander to illusions of grandeur and podium girls.  This was made worse when I won the opening time trial by 19seconds. Friday night and Saturday morning was one of the worst bike racing experiences I have ever had, nerves, sleepless night, internet stalking the top 5 in GC,  covering trivial breaks, and the ultimately blowing up in the last 800m on Tawonga and losing 19 seconds.

So, on to the Queen Stage – HOTHAM – I just went in to race the race and win, I sat at the back of the group up the first 20km of the climb, I rode hard on CRB, I had 6k to go to victory, my heart rate was off the chart, a Michael Rasmussan looking guy rode away from me with 2.5k to go, but I didn’t blow, I rode steady, I crossed the line, I got 2nd - other riders had lost minutes, I didn’t even think about Michael Rasmussan riding into the tour victory. I was just happy that I got through the training, didn’t turn into a decked out wanker with no idea, and got to spend a great weekend with like minded KINGS MEN!



Open the gates!


This is your King speaking.  All bow and suck my toes.

Enough of that.  It tickles. 

Onto business. 

Many moons ago, a dirty rabid ridden Doglot approached me and mumbled something about dish licking, pal, I hate Eagle, bullshit SMX is pro, I have a mate. 

I had heard it all before other than the last comment.  King was curious. 

Along came the mate.  Seemed pretty normal.  Almost a good bloke.  However, being a mate of Dogolot he was commencing from a low base and King treated him appropriately. 

Weeks turned to months and months started to turn to years.  Or at least that is what it must have felt like for this Random on the wrong side of the walls.  But he remained calm and patient as he was aware that this would be the case. 

6 months into his campaign and King refusing to acknowledge his existence until he finally asked what this Random's name was.  Jordy was the response.  King turned into a gold fish and immediate forgot and continued to ignore. 

But the pressure mounted as this Random proceeded to slowly flirt with other King's Men who were lured in by his lovely ripped and smooth runners calves.  He was building his solid base of support for his assault on the Kingdoms walls. 

But The King set a trap for the young player and spoke his initial words to this Random.  "So....what do you do?" he asked.  The inexperienced one responded with "running and a few triathlons".  Bang!  King dropped the social hammer on him and reverted to blocking all communication and acknowledgment. 

Random took another approach.  Receiving advice from the wiser Lords it was recommended he distance himself from the wrath of Dogolot and his egg and spooner possies and become a cyclist.  It was a good move.

Random continued to nuzzle up to King on rolls to Mordy, hanging on every word he said, as he slowly drained himself of all the evil that resided within in preparation to be re-filled with King goodness.  He was excited by the thought and dreamed about it each and every night. 

Time marched on and finally the tide began to turn and King could see the canvas appearing ready for another masterpiece.  Support for the man grew amongst the Kingdom and after the long yet appropriate wait the Random was close to being ready and his soul was ready for the taking.

The King finally called it.  He sought for 20 recommendation from the Kingdom and in record time the numbers came flooding in and it was formalised.  Qualification had commenced. 

Qualification was a blink of an eye. King's wise move to hang out the washing to dry meant the kid was hungrier than the fat kid at school camp and he rampaged through the qualification period hitting ten from ten.  And as of this morning and in accordance with the requirements of the constitution, all hurdles were cleared. 

It is time.

It is time for the Random to lose his Randomness and enter The Kingdom of greatness.  He has been cleansed of his sinful past and is poised for the King to yet again mold an athlete of greatness both in body and in mind. 

This man once known as Jordy has absolutely everything it takes to be one of TKM's greats.  He dishes the piss but more importantly he takes it.  He respected Noize and now he worships it.  He desperately wants to be a better rider and a better man and he knows who to listen to in order to achieve his ambitious desires.

It has been a long road traveled to get here and at times a painful but this man, beyond perhaps all others, has shown patience and acceptance and did so while at all times remaining calm when others would have snapped and given up.

So in TKM tradition the King summoned the Lords to discuss and appropriate Knighthood for The Kingdom's newest member.  And as always the bunch of baboons came up with a seemingly unlimited amount of waffle and useless suggestions.  That is other than the one diamond in the rough that absolutely nailed it and The King new the moment he heard it that it was right.

So what do we call this fine young man who has shown graciousness, acceptance, respect and above all patience yet he is wise and powerful and someone that will receive everything back that he has given even though he does not ask for it.  His powers remain quietly within but it is obvious that those powers when chosen to be used are spiritual and almighty as if delivered from above.  The King has clarity and is at ease with his final decision of wisdom. 

From this point forward by the powers vested in The King by The King, I hereby declare that Random Jordy shall no longer be referred to by this sinful name given to him by his birth parents.

From herein he shall be known as The Monk

...or more comely he shall be called Monky (Correct spelling) or any other name that Smax decides is relevant or irrelevant.

So now that the deed is done I ask that the Gates be opened!  And we now allow The Monk to take those final few steps of his long journey to now enter into the Kingdom and enjoy all the joyous benefits that come along with being a fully-fledged Kingsmen.  It is time to don the green. 

I ask that you all join me in welcoming our newest member who shall be treated with the level of respect he has now earned.

Fvcking bravo and now let’s all have group sex to celebrate!


Photo: The Sherpa, The Monk and The Beaver

The Monk.JPG




And so it was, that on this day the king anointed himself in peanut butter and snuggled up to betsy that in another part of the world great things happened. The king stirred as he was nudged by his canine friend but he did not wake from slumber…instead he dreamt.

He dreamt of a rampaging green dragon that breathed fire in thypoonic winds that stretched across the globe. He saw warriors riding the dragon stabbing it with spears again and again trying to tame the wild beast. He saw fair maidens hanging from its mouth dressed in pink waiting and wanting to be saved by brave men looking to master the wild animal. But there was one warrior the stood out amongst the men in green. A man true with his weapon. A man without HORNS. A warrior that trudged his way to the very top of the beasts head - The SHERPA.   

Movement under the sheets. Betsy had come to life.

The dream shifted down the dragons neck and the king felt a rush as saw other familiar faces. The ICEBERG, The PIMP, the BOXA, The KFC. Then as a bellow of flames dissipated from the dragons nostrils he saw more green men riding its body. The EAGLE, the BEAVER, the SMAKIE who had been hurled from the dragons neck.  The king imagined himself with the warriors but speed of the animal was too much for him. He looked at the dragons tail. There they were more men he knew of the kingdom…The FLY, The STEALTH, The LLAMA, The FARMER, The STIG and the DOGLET who almost beheaded the beast if only he’d used the kingdoms weapon of choice.

But then the king wept has he saw the chargrilled path of destruction the dragon  had left. The CRACK only minutes from the beast being tamed, the CANDY losing his sword, the DOMA, the RACOON, The GHOST, the MODEL and the RED CURRY discarded on the side of the road like dragon excrement.

Betsy chomped. The kings eyes opened wide. He was awake. Reality set in…He turned to his phone to see why it was flashing like a disco. Strava was going  Bezzzzeerk. Every record on beach road had been broken by TKM! The king had not dreamt it. it was weoohl!


Something you need to know...

Noize is not patient. Noize is not kind. It does not envy, but it boasts and is always proud. It is rude. It is easily angered and it keeps strict record of your wrongs. Noize does not delight in evil, but rejoices with the truth.

It never protects (unless snvilleling), it always hurts and always perseveres. Noize never fails. Noize is not in the business of maintaining your dignity, but rather, it is in the business of exposing your weaknesses. Noize is also not in the business of handing you a chux to clean up the aggressive flow of excrement that is exiting your anoos. Noize does not wait. Noize does not give a sh*t. Noize isn’t interested in excuses. Noize thinks you’re sh*t. Noize is laughing at you, not with you.

Noize is to be respected.


The Crack - October 2013 

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