TKM rides with the HORN HERD...
And we were off. Bang! High 40’s. Normal pro tri boys hit the front. TKM allowing them the honor to let them feel it’s still their ride. Moo leading the charge of the horn herders. 15 k down and it was time. Berger with a fresh coat of orange paint and knicks higher than King at TKM Xmas 2009 hits the front and finger fvcks the peloton. Legs are screaming on the way down. Dammaz has a turn and molesters his horn heard partner at the front who falls on his sword and pulls out like a man rooting his best mates girlfriend.
KING hitz the front and for 83 seconds it was euphoria before he realises that there is 80k of madness still to come.
Mordi. Pretenders turn around and sadness hits as Gypo decides to also turn.
Flaps’s turn on the front. Fvck me. Weapon. Uses all of his 110km/week base and drills it. I hate this bloke but when King saw him up front today the heart was filled with pride. Eagz had planned to do an alternate course once we hit Franga but you could see it in his eyes. The horn heard were weakening and Eagz had some business to take care of.
The Frankston mountains approach. FVCKING BANG!!! 4 riders get away. Three of those being TKM in Flapz, Bergz and Eyzen eyzen eyzen! Moo with pink sock hanging out to his credit remain in touch. Over the top they pull of the gas slightly to see who may still be in tow. Only another 4. Who is pulling them back? FVCKIN KING!! That’s who!! King reels them in and off they go again.
Mt Eliza pyranees. King loses his shit and settles in with modaz as the the big boyz from Kings Men keep going. They approach the top and Moo is screaming. Bergz and Eyzen working hard and there but it’s Eagz who has a score to settle. And this wasn’t a settle. This was a slaughter. Eagz simply rode off leaving one of the countries greatest athletes feeling like he had 6 dix rammed down into his lungs. The talons dug deep and tore out his heart.
Ghostie disappeared and has yet to explain where he went for the next 8 minutes while Modz turned at fat kids corner. King rode with the heart of a lion and grabbed back on before the lights to head to Mt Eliza. The peloton broke into a round of applause for King and deservingly so.
BP. Felt like a 13 second rest and off again. A truce held until the turn to the back road. And bang. Off again. By this point all horn herders had white flags sticking out of every orifice they had. It was now the TKM show. Every single TKM’er was at the front along with Moo and some bloke with a turtle tattoo. He was pretty strong. Then he accepted the superior company he was in and left the tri representation to the last man standing in Mitchy Moo. Moo looked around and realized he was about to be gang banged. King was hard and wanted it bad.
Final pull before Mordi. Eagz and Berger. Holy mother of tiger shit. Those two warriors pulled at just under 50 for 10 minutes. I have never seen anything like it. My handlebars tasted like dog shit but I was forced to keep eating them.
And then Mordi came. The switch was flicked. Eyzen made the signal which for the peloton it would have looked like a dagger in his hand. “Rolling paceline”
What was left of the horn herders now had vaginas the size of grand canyons.
TKM now 8 strong at the front. A sea of green jizz is what King saw.
Dozer went into auto pilot and took every roll he could get sharing it with Berger. Single file hit a la Noize style within 1000m of Club Clinger. We were in the zone. Eagz wanted more. Doma wanted it and hit the front and pulled harder than a 13 year old boy hitting puberty. Ghostie dug deep and said “I want in” And in he went. Rolled hard and often. Eyzen was doing it easy showing he is a man who lives at the top.
And on we went.
Moo realising that this was a day of shame decided to roll and represent. Mistake. 24.6 seconds later he was choking on a Turd Berger. Bergz just twisted his nut bit by bit and Moo’s face look like a bulldog chewing on a wasp. He was fvcked. Gone. TKM minz meat.
Berga, Eagz, Flyz, Dozerz. It just went on and on and the pace was relentless. There was nothing left of the peloton. 8 Kings Men and less than that of a few horn herders who were munching our ass, like it was there last meal.
And on it went. Then it happened. Just when you thought the pace couldn't lift any further. Just when the engine room had no space left. The sound of angles filled the air and it was as if the peloton lifted from the tarmac and were riding on air.
The King. The fvcking King! The man with legs that don’t give. The man who surely has three hearts. He went to the front. For the rest of the Kings Men, just seeing him roll the legs over in the 53x15 was like smashing down half a dozen gels and the whole mood lifted, as did the pace.
He drove and he drove and he drove the peloton. Garmin battery had died at this stage but one would estimate we were travelling at 72 – 73 clicks and hour. It was a moment to remember. It was a moment that will be told for generations to come.
Posties peak came and Berger hit the nitro oxide button and shoved a bunch of bananas up everyones ass.
Rabbit warren and it didn't slow. Doma just drilled it up the hill and now there were 8 Kingsmen and less than a handful of horn herders who hadn’t sniffed fresh air for over 20k. Moo was in the foetal position somewhere at the back.
The chute. Every Kingsman took a turn. Eagz took the final big leadout to gift a sprint win to one of his fellow soldiers. When he was finished the peloton was down to him and three others. And no surprise it was three Kingsmen. Berger unsurprisingly there wanting to take it all the way. Dozer who hadn’t faultered all ride and when it come to a sprint, no matter what the conditions, what the speed, what the stakes you know there is always one man who will be there no matter what. The FVCKING KING!!!!! Berger dropped the hammer and King went with him. 100m out and King rose from the saddle ready to take what was rightfully his. TWANG! Lock cramp right quad. Leg doesn't even turn. Locked straight. Berger kept going but it was Dozer that showed he had spunk left in the balls to blow and off he went to meet the brown sign.
But regardless of the line at the brown sign it was a victory for TKM. The King had tears of pride in his eyes as they rolled into coffee and it was hugs all round. TKM had done more than stamp their authority. They had tattooed it on the foreheads of everyone that attempted to have a piece.
It was one for the ages. It is one that The King will be talking about for years to come.
It’s good to be back with my men.