And just like that the North wind turned on its head and it was tunnel ball down wind at a junior sports carnival where all you could smell was the unwiped bottoms of 10 year olds. The usual suspects were hiding in the shelter shed but to give you an idea of the carnage that went on today the COMER brothers were bullied off the train taking with them the recently improved GHOSTIE.

The mini KING was blown away on the way down and the DOGLET didn’t really do the whole ride but is a worth a mention because model must have told him he was offering free dognuts at PHAMISH for his birthday (HB MODZ - Janie cant wait to give you your present, same with queen and jess) on a first in best dressed basis…Doglet seemed to be intent on securing all of them.  But that’s what you get when you don’t play by the RULES and so it’s nought.

 After another edition from Eagle down at club where are they now the call was set at 54kph in the right hand lane by the royal retarded one.  He is retarded for a reason because whenever I looked down the dial all I was seeing was 6s!!!

BAKER, MODEL, POSTIE, THE REEEEEEEEEAAAAAAD CUUUUUUUUUUUUURY and the STIGATRON all went to work on the NBN. Fibre was laid from Mordi to Mentone in the space of 2mins 30 its now in the Guinness book of records. They had to be dug out of the trenches by the BUTCHER and the SPRUCE GOOSE who hoisted the spinnaker and set about sailing back to St Kilda. They had the net out and picked up the SKUNK.  It’s around now that Clinger would have lost his voice. The beauy bumps loomed and that’s when the Fuhrer yelled out ACHTUNG! Smax opened up the zipper and stretched it all the way to the front with doggy sniffing ass the whole way.  Gaps opened up like Christchurch on a sunny day. It was carnage. CANDAY was gawn, GHOSTIE attached with umbilical cord when with him. RACOON had a shot at trying to close it - he blew, Jordy had a crack then Comer 2 took it into his hands to finish the job – no good. Then Garbo - booom. It took a combined 126 years of wisdom from normz/domma/dommagutz + a random to close the gap on the FIZZZZING train. Somehow through some miracle the GARBO and Jordy hung on.

Things seemed to be in order until we hit the Black Alps - the FARMER checked into Jenny craig and left a massive hole in what was left of the bunch. Who should fill that hole I here you ask? None other than the most dependable man in the peleton not to get dropped - the stealth making sure that he would be there at the end when it all mattered filled it in! The GARBO paying for his sins early was next and then a TRIO of NO ROLLS – STEALTH/DOMMA/PADDY getting sucked along for some of their best ranks of the season. EAGLE unusually low in the rankings clearly seeing his treasured sprint trophy in jeorpardy saving himself for a duel with the stealth.  

But all this was back stage. The was no question who was on broadway. The throbbing WET BEAVER,  the “didn’t even opening up” SMAX (whoops gets a kit penalty drops to 7) , the FERAL RABBIT, the super charged DOZER and the man with the tan THE ICEBERG…I gotta go to the LOCAL to get some carbs…see you in the morning weoh!

PS sprint was a ballzup.


TKM rides with the HORN HERD...


A crowd of 40 plus turn up for the horn heard including a solid showing of green machines.

Notables were The Floz back from the US of A and Gypo looking like a house. 

We roll out and everyone is squinting their eyes checking each out knowing this was like entering into a war zone. 

TKM represented by the above mentioned along with The Eagle, The Iceberg, The Dominatrix, The Fly, The Ghost, The Model, The Dozer and given you are reading this you know THE KING was there feeling like he was packing nothing but a water pistol.  

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Amazing ride today AMAZING! The report won’t do it justice as I must be brief! All I know is that every time I looked at the SPEEDBOX there was a 5!!!

DOGRET headed up the rankings today with a standout 1. Rabid he was and every time the speedo was threatening to drop below the 5 the mutt put the snout down and sniffed it to the front. Conjecture about whether he made the start but given the kings replacement speech was lame there was no reason to check into club who! Anyway he was there at the start of the roll and was there in the middle and was there at the end and all the bits in between. SO there you have it.

Another canine of sorts getting back to his best was the BOXA in 2nd. Then there was a real cat fight for 3rd and the ICEBERG took it. Clearly the new tan was weighing him down in what is his WORST ride of the season. The PIMP capitalised off his warnie training for 4th and the DOZER showed us how much he missed the train by cementing his spot in the top 5. And there’s where it ended in GC the rest were cameos.

The eagle was back to his best in the sprint knowing exactly where to be at exactly the right time which coincided with the brown sign. The Beaver flapped his arm about 200 metres before the canal leaving the STEALTH to drop the hammer for 400 and was SNIVELLED only meters from the line by the EAGLE and the DOZER. The SBIM has now returned to green but the talk around Phamish was that this will be short lived as the money is on the stealth…..ooooooooooooohhhh ah.

Oh yeah some important information was uncovered at the coffee rub down. For those that don’t know, the Jester and the Farmer are related (infact brothers). Surprisingly however the Chunk is recognised as the funnier of the two…who would have thought?

That’s it. DD tomoz. Ride next to someone new. Take in RACOONS blues sock or talk to POSTIE about how he keeps his gloves so white. Pretend to laugh at Jesters jokes or yell out uuuuuuuuuuuuh and throw your hand in the air like WOOOOODY at the weoh. Maybe time trial down Doglot 5mins after 6am. Or maybe be there just in the hope that the KING will be and he calls the WILDCARD FOR HIS SINS!!!!


Is it on????

Today was a day for the hard men.

It was a day about not what happened but what didn’t happen. The King MIA on and off the airwaves left The Batsman with the choice of scrambling for a new weoh to get his stead up and running or leave the willow in the bag. The Kaleidoscope on the BOM made the decision for him but cost him dearly slipping not only from the GC podium but also off the top perch in the sprint.

Floating on the pedals a 50kph on the way down. The Iceberg was having a wine about the howling northerly again. I guess he has every right to given he spends most of his time in it. The ICEBERG - way way too strong again and off the front at posties peak on the way back what a monster. The EAGLE knows how to noise better that anyone showing yet again what it takes to be the GROAT. The KFC was on the EPO drip last night smashing it in 3rd. But then oh oh oh yet another man that is feeling the power of the BABY. Doma and The DOMMAS GUTZ rolling turn after turn. With the top 4 pretty clear The RACCOON polled 5th but still a sensation ride from the guy that is cementing 2nd in GC in the cup! Couple of rolls from the PIMP then saw the man to be the biggest benefactor of the day in what was perhaps the BIGGEST SNIVELLL of all time the STEALTH bringing up the rear of the green train to stranglehold 7th!!!!

The POSTIE couldn’t handle the stench of the SKUNK and then I think the SKUNK dry wretched at his own stench passing out around Goats Gruff. We needed to take a wide berth around the JESTER on the way home and the BOXA got knocked out before the fight began with a flat a Moonies mirrors.

With the TKM cup a forgone conclusion the Sprint is where the money is!! With a solid performance of the steam train it was then time for the really big guns to come out . And come out they did! With the leadout maxing out at 47kph the real power houses were just getting the legs warmed up. Then the nitrous was released at the canal and TKM best sprinter and the rider that has the most sprint cups went blow for blow in the 40kph head winds. With a calculated wind resistance of 87kph the speed was effectively 68kph the STEALTH was snivelling his way to victory as he was gaining on the early kick of the EAGLE - but he just ran out of road - again. Whilst Dommas Gutz was dominating the GC DOMA picked up some greenies in 3rd is there anything this team cant do. The consistency of the Glacier now sees him on top of the SPRINT CUP.

go to the rankings... 




With a howling north wester and a record speed on the way down, we quickly discovered that the mere presence of the icebergs pectorals was enough to scare off the remaining contenders. After weak declarations the Paddy and the Boxer have taken to the doona rather than the tarmac. The berger now has a clear run to see out the remainder of the season…

SO the call was made at club ‘someone’ for Somalian warriors to take it up to the big ice boss. Consequently the Nut Kicker and the Fly went toe to toe throwing spears, stones and everything they had at the big orange frosty fruit. But it was not enough, the ICEBERG reigned supreme!  FLY took out the number 2 in what was without doubt his best ride since when he got the coveted cup. Good on you.  And The SHERPA was like Tron dancing up and down the peleton like it was a circuit board.

Other notable events that were noted was the restoring of order of the GHOSTIE/POSTIE/DOMA hierarchy. With a self proclaimed safety is paramount call and postie getting blown away like a letter in a hurricane, Doma stamped his weight over 12th position with a SOLID late roll over posties peak just to rub it in.

And on to the sprint….Now now now what have we here???? A DING DONG battle is on the GO. With the top three being separated by just 1 point after 3 contests the sprint season is ALIVE and KICKING. The steam train steadied itself before the Glenhuntly lights as the llama took the reigns and guided the missile that only recently has found the codes to unlock himself. The STEALTH pressed the red button and launched from the canal in what was one of the longest lunges for the brown sign of all time. Hitting speeds close to the big 60 in -50kph wind there were only 2 that could follow. And in what is truly a roll reversal for the season the sniveller was snivelled to the line in only the last few metres by the EAGLE and the BATTA!!! 


...She broke your throne and she cut your hair and from your lips she drew the broken yellowlujah…

The seasons bridesmaid has finally done it. She has risen to the occasion. She has stepped out of the shadows of the hulk. She has taken the Jesalenko of the bouquet. She is the cat that got the cream. She is the BOOOTY of Rihanna. She is the Ronald Jeremy of the GREEN TRAIN!!!!!!! She is the spock of star trek. She is the wettest of the wettest beavers IN THE DAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She is He that is the WET BEAVER!!

Well hello yellow! The BEAVER has taken the number one spot on todays ride and with it been catapulted into the coveted YELLOW. He has it by one single point! What an ending to the season! And what a noiZZZe! IM like big kev Im excited! I cannot wait for the ITT when the cup will actually be decided because 1 point is not enough! With the ICEBERG tracking near the equator on the last couple of rides he was bound to melt. And melt he did dripping into second position. Now if you do the mathematics, given that chunk was 3 ahead last noize you don’t need to be the dragon to work out the FARMER has taken 3rd.  Solid. But it is not over. Not yet. As I said one point is not enough. With the top 5 positions of a ranking ride each attracting 2 points basically the FARMER must beat the beaver or the BEAVER must beat the farmer. RANKINGS MEAN NOTHING NOW!!!!!!! IT IS BETWEEN THE BEAVER, THE FARMER AND THE CASIO!!!! BRING IT! WWWWWWWWWWWEEEEEOH WEEEOH WEEOH.

Now a little dot to dot to connect the rest of the train…

DOGLET snout down and up and down and up sniffing the crotch of the engine room

BATTA 5 runs away from a ton

RABBIT got dropped! Then got back on THANK YOU NORTHROAD LIGHTS

BOXER into round 8

EAGLE how about 9th? OUtRAGEOUS!

FLY no mortein today

SHERPA massive massive skiddy. Then got back on THANK YOU NORTHROAD LIGHTS

PADDY solid ride but look you are in 12th!!!

RACOON highly ranked lowly ranked. WHAT is going on?

STEALTH will you go for some yellow now that you have another colour on your row?

CAMEL laughing all the way to bank?

GARBO another trashy ride in comparison to last season

GHOSTIE no substitute for the road. Get off the trainer.

SPY has all the info you need to know about hanging on the train.

SKUNK will agree todays ride stunk

POSTIE the mail just got blown away today

GOAT still some mountains to climb

RED CURRY found the going hot today

BIGGLE mixing it with the ladies

JESTER another gagathon from the bigman

WIZARD time to weave some magic




Rightio you untreated monkey’s arssssssse rashes! May as well do a rehash of last Thursday’s report!

AS the kingsmen cup of Winter 2013 comes to conclusion we are being treated to one of the ALL TIME great finishes to a season. Will beaver pull the oil stick out of farmers tractor? Will the farmer damn up beaver’s river or will his tractor break down in the final paddock!????? Will David Thodey, Ms Beaver or the puncture gods call a 6amer and let the iceberg crash into the cup???!!!!!! Who knows! Rub it down and shine it up for the remaining rides of the season to be part of one of the greatest!!!!!

From the end of last season it’s been a monumental shift for the ICEBERG who has been drifting up from the Antarctic and sending a chill through the leaders of the cup! He is causing tectonic movement and as the ice is hitting the Bahama boat up front the ocean is turning to steam! The berger is now within striking distance of the coveted YELLO and should the puncture gods penalise our 2 leaders he will wear it!!

Back in the Bahama boat and judging from this ride there was a Harvard brain surgeon and Maaalcolm Marshaaaalll at the helm. There is NOTHING separating these 2! A measly 3 POINTS! But when the BEAVER gave the FARMER a pat on the back on a roll coming down into goats gruff he well and truly performed a lobotomy on him. The chunk though, with some solid rolls early did enough to stay in 3rd pozi even after one of the biggest skiddezz in the modern era.

The calypso quartet of SHERPA, DOGGIE, BATTA and EAGLE** were next up on stage sitting on the bongos banging out some fine rhythm. Sherpa though was best on vocals pumping out a bit of SHA BAH BAH BAH SHE BAH BAH. Amazing how quickly this guy’s form turns around. Watch out for spring…

Right next to the stage watching the action were The RABBIT and the SMAKIE sucking on a biiiiig reefer whilst backstage the RACOON, STEALTH***, FLY* and CAMEL were all pickin nits out of their dreadlocks.

The SKUNK, the POSTIE and the JESTER all passed out sucking on the bong and didn’t even get to the show! Bad luck!

Never mind there will be more bongos tomorrow! See you then NERDS.


Sprint results: *1st, **2nd, ***3rd


weoh are COOOOKING!!!

Today was a solid turnout of kingsmen and saw the return of the likes of the greyhound , the sherpa, the doma, domas gutz and the carrot. But none of this had any impact on the heat that was getting generated upfront from the ICEBERG’s solarium.

With the doors open at berger’s salon The beaver and the farmer went in to see who could get the best tan. The BEAVER shaved down and wearing a nothing but a skimpy thong won hands down. Someone probably should have told The FARMER you don’t get brown in boardshorts…

The GREYHOUND was also banging on the door to get cooked to coverup his donny donut as was the BATTA having a little session to hide the fact that he is a ranga and the EAGLE just slipped in before closing for a quick top up rounding out business for the day.

There was a queue guys that missed opening hours and had to rely on good old fashion spray tan. The SHERPA, the SMAKIE and the PADAWAN were doing a Gen Y at the races leaving brown all over their dinner shirts.

The guys that couldn’t get their hands on a spray can just had to rely on natural tan. And what gods they are - the RACOON tanned by name, the KING (aka the carrot) a dirty style tan, the STEALTH with a GC tan that has no lines and no end and the DOMA I own that tan!

The CANDYMAN, The GHOST, The CLINGER were fondling little stiffies like teenagers at the beach watching the chicks getting spray tanned. But the man that has the ultimate tan is the POSTIE and he presided over a man that certainly needs a tan being the GOAT. Finally the FLY – well he just don’t tan.  Now if ive missed anyone you’ve must have a moon tan.

Anyway summer is just around but for the meanwhile see you at the SALON again tomorrow where the BERGER will have the solarium on HIGH!!!


hey ho!

Plenty of people strumming the banjo this morning. With high    winds, unbeatable leads, it was like standing back stage to get hi5 autographs at a kiddies concert.

Lots of back office chitchat in the email peleton with respect to suspect concentration levels on the runway – come on guys! (BLINK - BRAKES LOOK INTELLIGENCE NOVERLAPPING KONCENTRATE )

First Class…

The big 3 were left to fight it out again today with BERGER (what a viking!), FARMER and BEAVER taking the chocolates in the GC. The wet beaver struggled showing a massive case of the clap and if it wasn’t for a little bit of neighbourhood watch from the crack the wet one would have been out the as.re. The incident had little effect on the ranks though as he still clocked in a solid 3rd.

Stepping down from the ‘upper mantel’ the BATTA rolled off the CX podium and in to 4th on GC in an effortless noise performance. God help us in the off season. The EAGLE after what was perhaps his funniest speech ever at club kinga (lest we forget) was inspired to roll solidly at the start for another easy 5th. At this rate he will mow down the stealthy in the cup – but stealthy will be fighting…

Insert Tumbleweeds took out 6th


This section is interesting I shall include the POSTIES comments from his ranks: RACOON (no initial roll) STEALTH (no initial roll) certainly pretty even there. The CRACK sporting what seemed to be another layer of clothing was next and then the BOXA (oh im going to get dropped today – I haven’t ridden for 2 months) hung on for some grandstanding rolls at the end.


The bus was busier than a one armed bricklayer in Bagdad with CLINGER, GHOSTIE and CANDY marking who was going to get dropped next!


The DOGLET (self imposed) clearly spent from extra-curricular activities, was struggling leaving gaps all over the shop. I cannot wait until you have a pup dogolotzy!!! The POSTIE and The GOAT (within 50m – awesome!)

  check out the ranks

The heat is ON!

FULL NOIZE - Thursday August 1st

Well well well.... 

Its not just 3 holes the ground! Its a burger made out of beaver by a farmer!

Firstly apologies for the late distribution for this report but I was still rearranging my rectum after a stirling peptile performance of the GREEN train last Thursday.

Last Thursday saw the stakes tighten yet again!

The ICEBERG is walking on water at the moment clinching his tanned sphincter and securing his 2nd no. 1 spot in a row!  Well done champ putting pressure on the breakaway up front. 

Further up the road there is nothing in it and if the silent furry wet one could stroke himself in the rankings, I'm sure it would be dead set even. However the FARMER extends his lead ever so slightly by driving his tractor all the way to the fenceline and restricting the BEAVER to the 3rd paddock. 

Worth noting is that if the berger nails another 1 then he is looking at a real possibility of taking the cup should the cycling god tea-bag the leaders with a mechanical...  

There were plenty of notable camoes, but the pick were the Eagle, Paddy and Camel and Doma's Guts - but not Doma, which was surprising given how well Doma is riding at the moment. I guess no matter how well Doma is riding Doma's gutz is always gunna beat him!

The Racoon, everybodies favourite, was totally over-ranked and it took wise old Postie set things straight. And set things straight he did with a squirt up the DSC, whoops, Warren. Anyway thats enough of GC..your BORING me! 

On to the sprint and with the Batta waiting for the official all clear that the peloton is back on its feet, the Eagle is flying off hopefully into the sun with some wax wings.

Stiggy DQd the Fly so Eagle took it out with Paddy Stealth and Berger all sniveling up the rear.

Check it out on the webby!

Ohh yeah!

See you tomorrow. Bring your foreskins.

Autumn 2013 - Kew Boulevard ITT - The Bilby gets up

What a ripper morning. Crisp and fresh at 5 degrees reminding all that the Winter Season is almost here! Ranga heaven, Eagle hell!

But to important matters of the day....

It started with a rare incorrect prognostication from The Llama - as he and Random Jordy were the first to arrive The Lluma suggested the combination of the temperature, light and lack of The King would keep numbers to less than a dozen. Clearly the Kingdom responds to none of these as 23 riders plus Boxer plus Smackie turned up. Boxer is back on his feet and took control of the timing. Smackie was, well, moral support. Good to see you Smax ... 

It was too cold to muck around so the knights went off thick and fast. A few side bets were on the table ... Ghostie being most active in trying to help others to provide incentives to others to smash themselves (Candyman gave him 40 seconds, Llama gave him 25 ... no bets for guessing who has hung out with Eagle more).

Out on course riders clearly fell into two categories ... those on the drops and driving it ... and those for whom the ice was preventing them getting their heart rates above 100.

First to post a stunning time was The Sherpa. That's right ... just when you thought he had finally been recruited by Cadel he turns up and smashes out16:27.

It took until the death for Sherp's mark to be eclipsed. First to better it was the Greyhound ... perennial smasher of marks and clearly he has marked this as his personal playground. Second to launch his challenge was our maillot jaune ... the man for whom this ride was an unecessary formality having wrapped up the cup last week. Power to the pimp for smashing it to right to the end. However it was the dog's day. Riding an unbelievable 16:09 to take the ITT Autumn win by 8 seconds from the Pimp and 18 seconds to Sherps ... then daylight.   Massive congratulations to our podium, the engine room, Sherpa, Pimp and The Greyhound!

Looking quickly to other results ...

The next tranche of riders have clearly announced themselves, if not their intentions for the WINTER CUP. These four riders should definitely be thinking hard and long about committing to an assault. The Beaver and The Padawan are both on the cusp of greatness. While the The Laughing Camel and Iceberg posted licked-split times that will have the King drooling over. Well done you four ... the mountain stands before you (only 45+ seconds to span) ... but you have the gift now can you lift?

Other results worthy of note is the battle of the bros ... in this bout congratulations to the Pharma for showing Candy a clean pair of heals and the both of them leaving their random Brett almost a 2 minute gap to think about.

Postie gained a small piece of retribution over Ghostie after his Grampians denoument, putting 8 seconds into his nemesis. But the poor Ghost was sent packing to square zero ... loosing out to both Llama and Candy in his side bets and slipping a whopping 80 seconds behind the time he previously posted around the course. Soul searching required ... assuming ghosts have a soul.

Finally a note to our absent leige regarding those knocking on the door. Random Jordy is not only knocking but busting into the top 10! Random Jacqui is clearly a thoroughbred as The Spy will confirm. Random Brett, while having clear conflict with the cold, was at least committed enough to put a time on the board.

The full details are listed below. The last column lists the time difference from one rider to the next.

Thanks to Boxer for turning up and supporting all, taking some video for Brix to work with and looking after the timing. Great to see him back and mobile.

Look forward to seeing all out on the track to celebrate The Pimp's first cup triumph with the season ending Daisy Day on Thursday. It may even be a regal event.

Teh Llamatron

1 The Greyhound 16:09.07
2 The Pimp 16:17.08
3 The Sherpa 16:27.28
4 The Wet Beaver 17:14.75
5 The Padawan 17:16.21
The Laughing Camel 17:34.17
7 The Iceberg 17:35.89
8 The Llama 17:42.10
Random (Jordy) 17:48.14
10 The Batter 17:49.14
11 The Fly 17:49.38
12 The Brick 17:53.08
13 The Stealth 18:04.64
14 The Farmer 18:18.58
15 The Candyman 18:24.08
16 The Dominatrix 18:42.17
17 The Stig 18:51.11

18 The Postie 18:59.16

19 The Ghost 19:05.09
20 Spruce Goose 19:18.22
21 Random (Jacqui) 19:32.56
22 The Spy 19:59.71
23 Random (Brett) 20:10.25