The King's Men Constitution


a) Full Noise, or “FN”  - comprises an easy pace in 2x2... formation to Club Clinger, issuing of instructions / ride brief by The King or designated rider, followed by an all out painfest in rolling formations.

b) Daisy Day, or “DD” comprises an easy pace in 2x2... formation to Club Clinger, issuing of instructions / ride brief by The King or designated rider, followed by easy ride in rolling formation to point PTSOOI, at which riders may proceed to PTSOOI.

c) Club Clinger – Toilet block at Mordialloc Car Park.


1. The King's word is final and overrules all.

2. The King awards all final GC and Sprint points, unless The King delegates such authority to others in the Kingdom. 

3. GC Points awarded as follows: 1=50, 2=48, 3=46, 4=44, 5=42, 6=40, 7=39, 8=38, 9=37, 10=36 etc

4. A minimum of 15 points (equal to 31st  position) shall be awarded to all riders who participate in a Daisy Day. 

5. Sprint Points are awarded as follows:  1st=10, 2nd=8, 3rd=7, 4th=6, 5th=5

6. GC ranking is generally awarded as follows and in order of weighting:

(a) The order dropped from the main peloton. Dropped riders may then be ranked in accordance with the below parameters if a grupetto of 4 or more riders is formed however weighting of that ranking will still take into account at what point dropped riders are swept up by the grupetto..

(b) Higher ranking for the longer rider remains in initial rotation 

(c) Higher ranking for greater length of time spent in rotation overall 

(d) Higher ranking for longer time spent at front during rotation 

(e) Higher ranking for time spent at front during difficult sections 

(f) Higher ranking for those showing team qualities such as bridging gaps and long lead-outs in final kilometres 

(g) Higher ranking for attempts at breakaways in later parts of ride

(h) Higher ranking for those who contribute to the lifting of the overall average speed

(i) Lower ranking for lack of cooperation, breaking the rules, or unsafe riding 

7. Breakaways are only considered as such if they are instigated prior to Pt PTSOOI.  Should a rider or riders successfully do so and reach the brown sign before all others with a time gap to those others all other ranking priorities become null and void and those riders shall receive top GC rankings.  

8. Rankings shall be determined by The King with Lords or higher having the right to provide opinion of the rankings prior to issue.  The King reserves the right to reject all such opinions.

9. If riders are given equal position in GC they will be awarded points on either:

(a) the average position if an odd number of riders; or

(b) the average position less 0.5 if an even number of riders, to bring that position to a whole number.  If special circumstances allow it The King may amend this ruling to reflect the relative performance of the grouped riders.  “Bunching” or “skewing” of rankings to either the front end or rear end will be at the discretion of the King.

10. Unless a special dispensation is granted by the King, the hierarchy of the Kingdom is determined as follows:

(a) RANDOM – Anyone who rides outside of the Kingdom


(i) Privileges:  eligible to participate in all sanctioned rides

(ii) Requirements:  

(A) be introduced to The King

(B) provide an email address to The King

(C) be of appropriate personality, as approved by The King

(D) be able to take the piss out of others and themselves

(c) SQUIRE (During Qualification Period)

(i) Privileges:  As for Peasant,  plus commencement of qualification period seeing recording of official rides (non point gathering) on the spread

(ii) Requirements:  be recommended by at least ten present Riders of the rank of Knight or higher


(i) Privileges:  As for Squire, including eligibility to be included on the report and rankings on the spready as well as don the coveted TKM kit.

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum of ten rides within fifteen successive rides including at least four Full Noise sessions


(i) Privileges:  As for Knight

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 50 registered rides

(f) LORD  

(i) Privileges:  As for Baron, including eligibility to contribute to judging of rankings at the request of The King

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 100 registered rides .


(i) Privileges:  As for Lord

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 200 registered rides


(i) Privileges:  As for Prince

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 300 registered rides


(i) Privileges:  As for Arch Duke

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 500 registered rides.

(j) KING of TBA  

(i) Privileges:  As for Grand Duke

(ii) Requirements:  Participate in a minimum 1,000 registered rides.

11. A Knight's name shall be determined by The King in consultation with various Lords (or higher), as deemed appropriate by The King.

12. Total numbers of King's Men shall be limited to maintain the personality of the ride.  Membership may be revoked or rejected by The King for any reason he deems appropriate. 

13. Riders may not be shown on the spready until points have been registered for that season. 

14. Randoms are dealt with as exactly that.  If they join The King’s Men on their return stampede, then best of luck to them.

15. In order to win the King’s Men Cup you must have attended a minimum of two post ride coffee sessions during the season.  Attendance is considered achieved after five minutes in the sitting position within the line of sight of The King.  

16. When communicating with fellow Riders, emails must be funny or at least moderately humorous. Unfunny emails will incur the swift and decisive wrath of fellow Riders. In extreme cases GC penalties may apply. 

17. If a ride commences in the dark from Racer, each rider must have a front and rear light. This is not negotiable. Failure to comply means a rider must wait for the rising of the sun (street lights off) to commence the ride. Riders must complete the full return course from Mordialloc back to Racer on Full Noise Rides and to at least Woody’s Wheel on Daisy Days.  Failure to complete the full return course will result in the appropriate GC ranking adjustment by The King or in the case of Daisy Days zero points shall be awarded.  

18. No rider shall have horns (aero bars).  Those using aero bars shall be ranked at the back of the group that they finish with or if dropped ranked as per normal. DNFs or an early turn for any reason shall result in the Rider receiving the lowest ranking of the day. 

19. Riders must reach at Least Woody’s Wheel to have their ride be registered as an official ride.

20. The King may make the call for an early turnaround should circumstances warrant it.  If this occurs, Riders shall be ranked on GC from the equivalent of 10th place downwards unless if the ride is a DD in which case normal DD points are awarded.  If the early turn is called prior to Woody’s wheel the ride shall still be deemed an official ride.

21. The King may call off a ride for reasons of inclement weather (ie precipitation) up until 5.30am on the morning of a ride.  Such a call will endeavour to be made with the input of other Lords.  Only those who have provided mobile numbers and exist in The King's phone shall be advised.  The King reserves the right to exclude you from his sms list.

22. Should a ride be cancelled the King may reschedule that ride for another morning within 7 days of the cancelled ride date

23. A FN may be changed to a DD at any point prior to or at Club Clinger by the King, or appointed  in the absence of the King, due to dangerous weather conditions. In the event of this occurring, normal DD rules and points apply.  Should this rule be implemented then The King reserves the right to reschedule a FN in place of a DD prior to the end of the season.

24. Subject to Rule 22 and 24, should a ride commence in the dry (ie roads are not wet) then full points shall be awarded no matter if rain falls during the ride. 

25. The King may call a Wild Card on any DD once per season.  A wild Card sees riders participate in a Noize like event with only DD points awarded.  Additional declared Wild Cards may also be scheduled.

26. A minimum of 4 Riders is required for any points to be awarded. 

27. In order to be eligible for official sprint positions on a Daisy Day, riders must be with or behind the main peloton at Pt PTSOOI.  Breakaways prior to this point will result in those riders being ineligible for sprint rankings for that ride. 

28. To prevent any riders being left behind at the turn, all riders are to enter the Mordialloc carpark and complete the loop around Club Clinger.  The return ride from Mordialloc does not officially commence until all Riders have made the turn and are ready to depart in a group 2 x 2 formation.  Leaving behind any riders that arrived at Mordialloc in the main bunch may result in rankings becoming null and void for that ride.

29. There shall be no running of red lights.  Should any Rider pass through lights in a manner contrary to the TKM rules and deemed so publically or anonymously to The King by 2 or more other Riders of the rank of Lord or higher, then that Rider shall be penalised up to 10 GC points.  Should this illegal action occur after Point PTSOOI, that rider shall be ineligible for any sprint points for that ride.  This is for the safety of everyone within and outside of the Kingdom.

30. Should three or more Lords or above report what they believe to be unsafe riding that rider shall receive an official warning.  Should they receive a second warning within a season they shall be dropped 10 GC positions or if a DD deducted 10 GC points.  Should they receive a 3rd warning then they are simply a dickhead and shall receive a penalty of 20 GC rankings or given zero GC points if a Daisy Day.

31. Riders are to hold their positions as they approach and take off from lights or any other obstacles preventing the peloton attaining full speed.  Those at the front have earned their position through hard work and should not be denied that position through someone deciding to move up while the peloton is under the influence of the lights.

32. Riders should avoid half rolling.  Should a rider decide to roll they should roll all the way to the front.  If a rider finds they are unable to make the front then it is up to other riders as to whether they allow that rider to cut in.  Otherwise the rolling rider should return to the back of the peloton.

33. Should there be a split in the peloton at the Black Rock roundabout due to the giving way to cars then those that pass though the roundabout unaffected by such must sit up and wait for all of those that were affected and connected to the train at that time.  The sit up speed should be at as slow as practically possible to allow the peloton to rejoin as quickly as possible and not have to blow a ring to get there.  It is the responsibility of those at the back of the peloton that make it through the roundabout to be aware if the train has got through in full and if not communicate this quickly right through to the front of the peloton.  It is then the responsibility of those getting back on to clearly communicate when all of the riders from the original peloton have rejoined and the pace can again be picked up. 

34. No drafting of vehicles is allowed.

35. No Rider is to pass a moving or stationary vehicle at or soon after lights on either the left or right hand side; ie Riders must remain behind the line of traffic.

36. All King's Men (or aspiring King's Men) must wear correctly fastened helmets for the duration of the ride. Failure to comply with this will result in deduction of 25 GC points for a first offence.  A second offence will result in the instant demotion of at least one echelon in the kingdom rankings (ie; baron to knight, knight to squire etc) and a further GC penalty as deemed appropriate by the King.

37. Riders must not attempt breakaways at the turning of lights.  Riders must move away from the lights at the same speed from the same resting speed.  Riders must not use the lights to their tactical advantage in relation to the final sprint.

38. Sprint Finish is the Brown "St. Kilda Marina" sign just before BP. 

39. Should the operation of the final pedestrian lights before the finish (over the Elwood Canal) result in the speed of the lead Rider(s) being substantially diminished, the sprint shall be null and void, unless otherwise communicated effectively beforehand by The King (or his official delegate) in a manner that does not, in the opinion of The King, prejudicially affect any of the Riders with a genuine prospect of contending for Sprint Points. 

40. The King may call off any sprint that is deemed dangerous due to other circumstances. 

41. Sprinting Riders must keep to the far left unless overtaking.  Penalties may be awarded for failing to do this.  THIS IS AN IMPORTANT RULE TO MAINTAIN THE PURITY OF THE SPRINT!

42. Riders who are at the front after the Glenhuntly Road lights must consider themselves lead out riders and commit to that cause in order to string out the peloton and eradicate those who have no place amongst the fast men. 

43. Sprinting Riders may enter the middle or far car lane at their own risk and only if, in the words of Paul Sherwin, completely and utterly safe.  If deemed unsafe then Riders will be disqualified from the sprint or penalised.

44. Sprinting Riders overtaking have right of way.  Check over your shoulder before pulling out.

45. Winners of the sprint finish must produce a unique salute in celebration of their win. 

46. The King may consider penalties for anyone who does not have shaved legs

47. The King may award bonus points and penalty points as he sees fit.

48. The King may award appropriate points for rides outside of Tuesday and Thursday.  At least 48 hours notice must be given.

49. Winners of major categories must be treated with the utmost respect for the entirety of the following season until the crown is handed to the next victor. 

50. Protests on any rankings may be submitted to The King but must be copied to all on the CC distribution list.

51. All secret squirrel miles must be declared.

52. Riders must always maintain knicks in an operable and inoffensive condition; ie no holes, gaps, rips or otherwise.  Breaches of this rule may be result in GC penalties and the wrath of The King's Men posting relevant footage on YouTube. 

53. Riders must attend awards nights. 

54. Riders must attend training camps. 

55. Riders must put The King's Men before family.

56. Riders must not be sookie–lah-lahs!

57. Riders must throw their money around and not be tight wads.

58. Riders must ride nice bikes.

59. Riders must not be annoying.

60. Riders must be modest and not full of themselves.

61. Riders must drink coffee at after rides and must be humorous while doing so.

62. Only lattés, strong lattés, or large lattés may be ordered at post ride cafe gatherings.  Hot chocolates, chai lattés, herbal teas or any other beverage is taboo and may result in GC penalties. 

63. Riders must wear the TKM kit during all sanctioned rides inclusive of both knicks and jersey as a minimum.  Non compliance will result in the following GC penalties – 1 ranking spot for non tkm jacket or vest, 5 ranking spots for failure to wear either TKM knicks or TKM jersey , 10 ranking spots for failure to wear both TKM knicks and TKM jersey.   Riders will be exept from this rule should they yet to have had the opportunity to purchase TKM kit. Winning Riders in races must zip up their jerseys prior to crossing the finish line and sit as upright as possible and if the rules permit provide a salute with hands off the bars to allow full exposure for the cameras.

64. Any performances voted by the King's Men at the Cafe Boardroom Table as extraordinary shall have their first coffee paid for by the TKM kitty.

65. The Kitty is the Kingdom’s friend and all riders should do what they can to assist their friend.

66. Coffees at the post ride coffee gathering shall be distributed in order of King followed by number of rides ridden 

67. No points shall be awarded on Free Days, but rides will still count towards total number of rides.

68. The King's ruling shall be final (refer to rule 1). 

69. THOU SHALT WORSHIP THE KING!!! (refer to rule 68).

70. See below for the map of The Kingdom’s hunting grounds.