The Scream - from Random to Weapon in 2 weeks

Over the years, TKM has a forged a rich history of taking in riders of questionable ability, particularly those who have overindulged on the cakes, and transforming them, mentally and physically, into weapons, on and off the bike.

Guys like The Smackie, The Greyhound, The Sherpa and The Pimp, to name only a few, are some of the Kingdom’s most impressive products.

Our latest intake (both within the last fortnight) are two superb additions to the engine room – The Brazilian and The Scream.

Only 1 week ago, The Scream was nothing more than a shy, overweight hubbard, not showing much promise, unless you have the blessing of a keen eye for untapped talent such as our King possesses.

Once nestled into the bosom of TKM, putty in the hands of our leader, changes instantly started to occur – on the first Day, the King gifted Screamer a win at SKCC A-Grade, just to help him realize the potential, once inside the Kingdom walls.

On the fourth day, the King had made further improvements, which resulted in Screamez driving the breakaway on several occasions, eventually sticking it, to win the HCC A-Grade at the Kew tear-drop.

Then only 4 days later and now formally inducted into TKM as “The Scream”, the King had further completed his first assignment and had prepared the young Screamer so that he was now ready to take on the rigours of the prestigious hard-man’s race, the Grafton to Inverell…..

We’ll now have a chat to the young Screamer to get his thoughts on the day.                                                                                                    

So, Scream, just to provide some context, it’s important to point out that you are yet to rank #1 at TKM Full Noize, so don’t get carried away blowing smoke up your own arse, as you’re still just a small fish in the Kingdom pond.

Can you tell us a bit about when and why you gave up the big boat of love and got on the bike?

Believe it or not, I was ridiculously skinny and pretty much not eating when I gave up lightweight rowing… my body just said no. I’m glad it did now, my life is all falling into place! Member of TKM, winning races, getting laid… Awesome!

Sounds just like The King, except for the winning races and getting laid parts.

Given your rowing background, did you find it easy to transition to the bike, from both a power perspective and preparation/recovery perspective?

I did a fair bit of cycling when I was rowing anyway, infact I did my first few Noize’s when I was still rowing and I have never been dropped by noize… guess rowing set me up pretty well!

What brought you down to TKM, and how did you find your time as a random?

I like going really fast on a bike, and my rowing coach told me there was a place I could do that without Hubbard’s, without anti-social cyclists and without dangerous riders. Perfect, I fell in love with Noize instantly. Time was tough as a random, yearning for acceptance and acknowledgement of my rolling ability. But of course I was invisible.

Too right you were. Random life is tough.

Now that you are a fully qualified knight of TKM, are you feeling the love, love that is only available to those in green?

I’m feeling so much love that I think some of the guys are going to crack onto me! It’s an awesome community and I immediately feel like a superstar.

There is a fair chance that Stealthy, King or any number of other sexual deviants in TKM will try to have their way with you at the Christmas party – they like the young ones, like Paddy.

Anyway, what about your name, The Scream? Better than Fat Kid, surely??

I actually like the name a lot, especially the bit where others “scream not only in pain but fear” from my presence on the bike… that’s the only bit I took from King’s intro.  He seems to talk a lot of shit but I guess I will start to understand and love it all the more now that I am on the inside.

Talk us through your wins at St Kilda and Hawthorn, only 4 days apart?

I only have one race strategy: Balls out. Just constantly attack until I’m the only one left, I guess I’m finally strong enough to pull it off, cause these are the only two A grade crits I’ve won! Must be the Green!

Too right it’s the green. Did that give you some good sensations heading in to Grafton?

Yeah confidence that I was healthy and strong, still had absolutely no idea I had a chance to win until I was in the last 500m with no one else in sight! Again being a King’s man must have magical powers.  Circumstance may have prevented me wearing the green kit on this occasion but it was green blood that was pumping through my veins as I crossed that line.

Correct me if I’m wrong, but you don’t look like a sprinter, so getting in the break is top priority?

Yeah, I don’t have a great kick but I have a good whack whack in me to get away… plus I’m way too impatient to sit in and wait.

Seems like this tactic has paid off for you on more than one occasion, taking matters into your own hands?

Yeah, Balls out. It’s the only way.

You’re talking TKM talk already.  How did the race play out – talk us through it.

I was in every move right from the gun, including the one that actually got away, then we got out to 17 minutes gap as we rode up the hill. Thus I was in the break from 30km to 230km, big day!

The group was originally 9 but was whittled to 5 when me and Neil Van der Ploeg decided to work together and drop the guys sitting on and not rolling, this left us with an efficient group with everyone rolling.

I went through a big phase of feeling ordinary and hanging on for the entire middle of the race, until the last 20km when I started feeling good again. That’s until I started cramping massively with 5 ks to go!

I was riding with my hammies permanently in cramp and just ignored it (thus I could hardly walk come Monday!), so I put that behind me and put in a trio of attacks (still cramping) until they didn’t close the gap on me fully and I put in a second acceleration, they looked at each other, no one wanted to chase and I was free on the downhill run in to town (my favorite type of hill). Didn’t believe it right until the end. What a ridiculous Win!

That’s the way! Good on you guys for smoking the dirty snivellers. Good night nurse.

Given you are new to cycling and particularly, the NRS, were the more seasoned riders looking at you like some donkey who they could use and abuse, then pump out the arse when they felt like it?

Pretty much, apparently I’m referred to as the fat kid riding for AWS in the peloton. So now everyone got beat by the fat kid… BOOM!

They must have been thinking ‘WTF?!!’ when you dropped the hammer in the last 2kms and bid them goodbye?

Yeah, even I was thinking WTF!

How were the celebrations? Did you embrace the TKM culture and get nude?

Had a couple of beers at the local inverell pub. Didn’t get nude. Learnt a bit from Pearso, he was loose as.

Pearso, being an associate of TKM’s Rang Faction, knows how to party – as evidenced at last year’s TKM Christmas shindig. A solid mentor and has now agreed to pay TKM $150k for loaning you to the AWS team.

I can only assume the big teams have been in your ear? Did you tell them to get fvcked, as you are in TKM, and Full Noize is your number #1 priority?

Yeah, Orica Greenedge sent me an offer and I told them to get stuffed. Means I’d have to go to Europe and wouldn’t be able to do Noize.

Good to hear.  That a boy. 

Donna Buang ITT & Warburton Road Race

Last Sunday - shit weather. Perfect for sleeping in, watching Days of Our Lives in your jocks with the heater on 29 degrees, putting away several bottles of Red and reminiscing about the time you went off the front of Noize. THAT is if you are in the large majority of the population, or more specifically, if you are The King!

However, if you are born with nuts the size of watermelons and love nothing more than putting yourself, and others, in the locker, then The Mt Donna Buang ITT and Warburton Road race are just the medicine.

The Pimp, The Sherpa, The Beaver and The Candyman slid on the Green & Black and represented TKM up in the hills, where it was reported to be -2 at the top of Donna and just shitful all day.

Pimp and Sherpa raced the ITT in B-Grade and did TKM extremely proud in their skinsuits - 2nd and 3rd respectively, with times that would have pipped a couple in A grade. 

A goldfish could remember back to when Pimp was putting away beers and burgers at a rate far in excess of that displayed on his Garmin as 'calories burned'. He has since lost 16 kegs, won a cup and still puts out the sort of watts that makes SMAX say "HOLY HENDO, I'VE GOT A STIFFY!!" 

Sherpa is the greatest athlete TKM has ever seen. A natural machine that has no limits, except those imposed by the doona and the bottle. After spending the past 6 weeks at home on 'YouTube' (err....), he has popped out and smoked the ITT.

Well done to the guys on what was just a feral day, by all accounts. Everyone who raced up there is a bloody legend (and a bloody lunatic). Chapeau.

Then came the road race - Beaver and Pimp in B-Grade and Candyman in Masters C.....

After his success at Glenvale the week before, a MASSIVE STINKER at noize on Tuesday and an emotional 'EBB' for the next 3 days, Beaver was back and ready, in his favourite conditions (shithouse).

Beaver got himself in the break with one other fellow, they rolled turns without hesitiation all the way to the end - Beaver pulling up the hills and the other bloke drilling it on the flats and descents. A perfect duo that had beavez crying with a stiffy. It came down to a 2-man sprint and in a photo finish, Beaver was pipped on the line. A ripper performance by both of the guys in the break and helped by BIG PIMP in the bunch, keeping an eye on everyone and keeping them occupied as they watched his every move.

Looks like he got it to me! 

Looks like he got it to me! 

In Masters, Candyman was representing and REPRESENT he did......let's hear from the man himself......

We hit the first climb. I found the pace pretty steady and felt comfortable the whole time. The guys who won Buller and Baw Baw were driving it hard at the front. We had roughly 30/40 in our group and by the top of the climb it was down to 7 of us. We did rolling turns until we hit the steeper but shorter climb. The guy who won Baw Baw hit the front and set a good tempo, I jumped on his wheel and felt comfortable again, legs felt good and HR was manageable. At the top of the climb we were down to 4 of us. We got organised and did rolling turns.

I realised the guys around me where whippets and didn't do noize! My legs felt good, my HR was tempo so each time i did a turn I pushed the pace up with the hope they would tire more than me. We had put a big gap into the group behind and it was going to come down to the four of us. I saw the 10km to go sign and pushed it even hard, instructing the guys to keep working together. We hit the 1km to go mark but found myself on the front...,shit...but then someone rolled over bewdy. I sat second wheel and then when we hit the 100 m sign I launched the biggest of Kings and Eagles sprints and put a few bike lengths into them in the end.

It was awesome. Big stiffy. All because of TKM. Thank you all!


Ride reports page includes the final standings

Post-ITT briefing where there was a significant media presence to witness the race for the rainbow

Post-ITT briefing where there was a significant media presence to witness the race for the rainbow

TKMRR2014 was set to be an absolute cracker and (well, from my point of view) it did not disappoint. The Eagle had dutifully undertaken several reconnaissance missions of the hinterlands behind Inverloch and designed a 3 stage course that had a bit of everything in it. The master stroke in the handicapping by the King meant the rider who crossed the line first after stage 3 was going to be crowned the 2014 champ....setting the stage for a dramatic finish. 

My main concern coming into the race was my lack of training. 8 weeks earlier I was on the surgeons table having my clavicle hook plate removed, and, under doctors orders did not ride on the road for 6 weeks after the surgery, leaving me effectively 2 weeks of real training. My first ride back was the autumn season opening crit, where due to my lack of fitness I was dropped by every single rider! Would not have been able to tear the skin off a latte. Anyhoo, I digress.... 

Stage 1 was an undulating ITT with coastal views and enough lumpy bits to get the heart, lungs and legs screaming. My tactic in stage 1 was to ride solidly to establish some time into those starting off a similar handicap in stage 2, but not hard enough to feel the effects later in the day. I rode the 24.4km solidly in low 39mins, and averaged a respectable 277w according to the power meter. This put me a couple of minutes ahead of each of my group for stage 2, and meant that in order to begin the final stage high in the order, I had to simply finish with the front bunch on stage 2 

The King thinking to himself "shit, should have trained more than 42km per week"

The King thinking to himself "shit, should have trained more than 42km per week"

Stage 2 - inverloch to loch was my favorite stage of the day...with long flat straights, some longer climbs to test the climbing fitness, narrow roads through small towns, single lane bridge crossings, forest and an uphill sprint finish. I began this stage with the limit group, and again metered my effort so that when the chasing groups made the catch I was able to make the jump. For the first 10km Postie, goose, big dog, random Chris, baker and I rolled turns at tempo. Hill 1 approached (2.5km, 5%) and I began climbing with trepidation.... Would I be spat or able to hold my own.? Being a numbers man I again looked to my power output and tapped away at ~350w for the first ascent, and found that to be more than enough to hold my own. After hill 1 there were some casualties but had taken goose and Postie with me so onward we pushed rolling turns to the next climb. Climb 2 approached and Paddy from the support vehicle announced group 4 were close,so I kept a lid on the effort and waited for the catch, so I had enough matches to burn if a big effort was required. The Hick and Ghostie came storming up behind me dragging their group, and as they passed I was able to maintain contact. From there it was a case of conserving energy ( well sort of) and keeping other contenders for the race in check. Soon after group 4 made the catch, group 3 came storming through with big chances of the win such as Doma, and ex rainbow jersey champ Stealthy. From there the finish to stage 2 was amazing. 20  blokes riding hard and fast through the hinterlands, and a dramatic sprint finish - won by the raccoon. - putting most of TKM in the hurt locker. 

HMAS Woody driving the bus on Stage 2 from Inverloch to Loch

HMAS Woody driving the bus on Stage 2 from Inverloch to Loch

The Pimp, solo on Stage 2 after riding off the front of the scratch group. Yet another ridiculous performance from the rider known in Mansfield as 'Black Caviar'

The Pimp, solo on Stage 2 after riding off the front of the scratch group. Yet another ridiculous performance from the rider known in Mansfield as 'Black Caviar'

After stage 2 TKM had a lunch break where we were all able to take stock of the morning, get in some much needed recovery fuel, and contemplate tactics for stage 3 - loch to kongwak 48km. 

The final stage was perhaps the most demanding of them all- beginning with 5km climb at 5% from the very beginning, some technical winding descents, single lane roads with sections that had slipped away in heavy rains, windy ridges and dead roads.

The llamatron 3000 had calculated the final stage handicaps, putting me off first with a 4min17sec lead to TKMs favorite Son, the Redneck Hick (aka Woody). Woody is a big powerful man full of emotion and has an engine room like pharlap. The thought of having Woody stalk me through the hills like John Jarrett in wolf creek terrified me, as did my lack of preparation going into this final stage. 

The logical part of me said "roll easy until Woody catches you" but the little man in my head said "glory or death". Anyhow I started the final stage with a 4.17 lead and kept it steady up the first hill at 300w just so would not blow up. I crested the first hill and felt good so thought to myself. "If you guys want the win, come get it" I made it my mission to pedal hard for the remainder of the day, meaning that whoever crossed the line first was going to have to work for it.

The Garbo taking out the trash on Stage 2 into Loch

The Garbo taking out the trash on Stage 2 into Loch

The Dish-licker flexing his muscles ahead of Stage 3.

The Dish-licker flexing his muscles ahead of Stage 3.

I expected to be caught on the second hill, but crested that and looked back and could not see anyone. At this point I had 20km to go and started to believe I could hold off the chasers. I hammered the pedals across the windy ridge and made a left hand turn into a long 8km straight an got to within 10km to go. Paddy drove up to me in the support vehicle and told me Woody was getting close. At this point I had 4km to go and could taste victory, but not without having to work for it. The final hill was an absolute heartbreaker, but after rolling over the other side of it, and turning right at huge roundabout Into kongwak, I then knew I was not going to be caught.

I gave a few fist pumps and shouted out in joy and was absolutely thrilled to take the win. It was a great way to put a tough 2013 filled with injuries behind me.

A big thanks to Eagle for huge awesome course, Snowy for organizing accommodation, Paddy and Floz for race support, all the other boys for making it such a great weekend, and King for the format, handicapping and the RRCHAMPS in general.

Although not an "official" race and despite podium places I've achieved in egg n spoon races (TKMs terminology for triathlon) this is the most rewarding event I've ever competed in. Nothing better than riding with your mates. 

The whole Kingdom absolutely cooked after being punished by Eagle's magnificent course

The whole Kingdom absolutely cooked after being punished by Eagle's magnificent course

Next Ride...

Tuesday morning FULL NOIZE
Thursday morning FULL NOIZE
Saturday morning NUT KICKA

Latest Rankings

1st -  The Pimp
2nd - The Crack
3rd - The Eagle